Oct 21, 2008

We try to keep things light here at Poopreading.com, but two weeks before the most important election in the entire history – or future! – of the known universe, no conscientious American could possibly remain silent in light of the latest appalling revelation about Senator Barack Obama.

You see, information uncovered recently by Poopreading.com has revealed that Senator John McCain, Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin each have children currently serving in the United States military. Senator Obama, though he has two healthy children of his own, does not. For shame, Senator!

Every other candidate on the presidential ticket of a major political party has a child fighting for the rights and freedoms we all hold dear, but not you. Would you have us believe that your children are too "valuable" to "waste" in the service of our country? No wonder you won't wear an American flag lapel pin!

[it should be noted that Senator Obama generally wears an American flag lapel pin; but that's hardly the point!]

Senator Obama would likely try to insist that his daughters are too "young" to serve in the military. Senator, do you honestly expect us to fall for that one? Governor Palin's son, Track, is currently serving in Iraq with the U.S. Army, and the governor is three years younger than you are! Unluckily for you, sir, the American people can count to 47. An appreciable percentage of those who have reached voting age can, at least. Nice try, Senator, but it sounds to me like you've been "palling around" with nonsense!

Besides, for a man who professes to be all about bringing people together, focusing on what unites us as opposed to what divides us, engaging in this lowest sort of identity politics is, in fact, the height of hypocrisy. Today, Senator Obama's children are too "young." Tomorrow, perhaps they will be too "patriotic," or too "independent," or too "inquisitive." A reasonable observer can come to no other conclusion than that Senator Obama is intent on making a United States military of his own particular choosing, a military that will not ask questions or think twice when being deployed, in November of 2012, to areas like western Pennsylvania or the Florida panhandle and told to make sure all the voting in those regions goes "like it's supposed to, wink wink." And I think we can all agree that a man audacious enough to use the United States military as his own personal storm troopers would not think twice about actually saying the words "wink wink," as opposed to simply just winking. Way to not trust our fighting men and women to understand basic nonverbal communication, Senator!

I call on all Americans, therefore, to urge Senator Obama to sign his kids up for the United States military immediately, which, as we know from Michael Moore's 2004 documentary Fahrenheit 9/11, it is well within a parent's rights to do. Moore was seen badgering members of the United States congress to sign their kids up for the military, and if this was something parents couldn't do then Moore would have been engaging in nothing more than a mean-spirited, bothersome stunt. Since we all know Michael Moore would never stoop that low, we can safely assume that Barack Obama hasn't signed his kids up for the Army not because a parent has no right to do such a thing, but because Senator Obama thinks that his children are better, and more indispensible, than everybody else's.

Who does he think he's kidding? The children of other politicians have accomplished much in their lives; why, George Herbert Walker Bush and John Adams had children who went on to become President of the United States! And, unless Wikipedia's "Presidents of the United States" page has some glaring omissions I don't know about (a possibly if highly unlikely scenario), a careful perusal of the list of presidents reveals in no uncertain terms that neither of Barack Obama's children has reached this level of achievement. And yet the Senator obviously considers them "too good" for military service? Please, Senator Obama, in the words of the late Nell Carter, Give [Us] A Break!

"My kids are only in grade school," and "they'd almost certainly get hurt right away because they're small children," one can imagine Senator Obama saying in response. To that I rejoin that perhaps the esteemed Senator should no longer be known as Barack Obama but as "BaCAWK Obama," after the common human approximation of the noise a chicken makes (the "BaCAWK" part, not the "Obama" part. Chickens don't say "Obama." Although if you find one that can, you – and it – would probably get to be on TV). Senator Obama is obviously "chicken," would be the implication (and subsequently, if the epithet is properly understood, the inference).

The choice is Senator Obama's: he can either get his kids into the military post haste, or prove once and for all that he's a soft, womanly milquetoast who's smooth like a Ken doll down there. It's one or the other. I wish there were any other way for a rational person to read the situation, but there obviously is not. It's up to you, Senator. The ball is in your court.

I apologize to our loyal readers that it has come to this, but I could remain silent no longer. Though we here at Poopreading.com would love to have stayed above the fray, some issues are simply too important to ignore.

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