Poop Reading - Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Senator Chris Dodd's weepy, shirtless performance during the first Democratic Party TV debate. (Brandon)

—Todd Palin's controversial decision to shave his goatee into a Hitler mustache for Halloween. (Joe)

—Doris Kearns Goodwin's screaming orgasm on the set of NBC's election coverage when Ohio was called for Obama. (Jameson)

—The revelation that Joe Six-Pack and Joe the Plumber are actually anti-war, pro-abortion, gay lovers. (Brad)

—When a live dove flew out of David Axelrod's mustache once the election was called for Obama. (Mike)

—McCain's push for multiple Town Hall format debates fails when young voters across the country are heard uttering "What the fuck is a 'town hall'?" (Matt)

—The Republican Party's poorly-conceived, ill-fated attempt to combine the DNA of Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Rudy Giuliani to create a perfect candidate called Romhuckabiani, which instead resulted in a terrifying lobster-like creature (still called Romhuckabiani) that ate Ron Paul and somehow impregnated Fred Thompson. (Brandon)

—Lasers go awry during CNN's hologram-based election night coverage, permanently blinding Wolf Blitzer in one eye. (Jameson)

—When William Ayers gave the keynote speech at the Democratic National Convention. (Mike)

—McCain's shocking admission that from 11:32 to 11:38 a.m. on June 5th, 2005, he actually put Country Second. (Brad)

—After digging into his background, the media discover that "Joe the Plumber" is not actually named Joe, is not actually a licensed plumber, and does not even technically qualify as a "the." (Joe)

—The polarizing fourth debate between McCain and Obama: Coke vs. Pepsi. (Matt)

—Former President Bill Clinton's dismissive "impression" of Obama, which consisted of Clinton pooping on the sidewalk while shouting "Keep hope alive!" over and over again. (Brandon)

—The infamous press conference where a laughing, cigar-chomping George W. Bush stared straight into the camera and said "Good luck cleaning up this mess, suckers!" (Brad)

—John McCain selects Sarah Palin as his running mate, after being rejected by his first choice: the golden retriever from Air Bud. (Jameson)

—Obama's surprise announcement that he will create the cabinet-level position "Secretary of Da Noise," but will refuse funding for "Secretary of Da Funk." (Mike)

—During a campaign rally, Sarah Palin shoots and kills a high school football player whose nickname is "Moose." (Joe)

—John McCain secures the all-important Depends undergarment endorsement. (Matt)

—The revelation that, toward the end of the election, most of Obama's campaign stop appearances were simply re-staged numbers from the musical "Jesus Christ, Superstar." (Brandon)

—Five candidates for the Republican nomination raise their hands when a debate moderator asks who disbelieves in gravity. (Then they are forced to keep them up for the rest of the night, because lowering them would be an admission of gravity's existence.) (Jameson)

—When Tom Brokaw ripped that huge fart during the second presidential debate and McCain and Obama gave him a standing ovation. (Brad)

—The news that one undecided voter in Pennsylvania was left alone by pollsters and the media for the entire two-year slog. (Jameson)

—When McCain started asking his wife if he could call her "Joe the Plumber" in bed. (Mike)

—Obama won, right? Right?? (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened