POOP READING
Apr 10, 2009

Kal Penn, one of the stars of the Harold & Kumar movie series and a cast member on House, announced this week that he is leaving acting to take a job as an associate director at the Office of Public Liaison, where he will help the Obama administration connect with arts and entertainment groups as well as the Asian and Pacific Islander communities. Word has it that this is just the first of many upcoming new additions to the White House...

Other Celebrities Who Will Be Joining the Obama Administration

—Paris Hilton: Secretary of Juvenile Skankification (Sean)

—House co-star Olivia Wilde: Secretary of Looking Surprisingly Hot Despite Having a Face Like a Meat Cleaver (Jameson)

—Gary Busey: Secretary of Ohhhhh Noooo What the Fuck Happened to the Oval Office?! GARY!! (Brandon)

—Jerry Seinfield: Executive Director in Charge of Finding Out What the Deal Is With Stuff (Joe)

—Madonna: Presidential Envoy to the Independent State of Rosie O'Donnell (Matt)

—Mickey Rourke: Secretary of Scoring Obama Some Friggin' Cigarettes (Mike)

—Tom Selleck: Mustache Czar (Joe)

—Ted Stevens: Secretary of Gettin' Paid, Playa!! (Jameson)

—Tom Hanks and Brad Pitt: Co-Chairs of Age-Transformative Technologies (Matt)

—Harold & Kumar co-star John Cho: Secretary of White Castle (denied) (Mike)

—Jay Leno: Director of Substanceless Ingratiation (Sean)

—Ryan Seacrest: Undersecretary For Explaining Twitter to Old People (Joe)

—Nick Nolte: Surgeon General of Cautionary Example (Brandon)

—Chuck Norris' long-standing, informal position as Secretary of Awesome will be codified (Mike)

—Rod Stewart: Secretary of 80s Hair Preservation (Matt)

—Charlie Sheen: Drug Czar (Sean)

—Christopher Lowell: Secretary of the Interior (ba-dum-pum!) (Jameson)

—Mad Men actress Christina Hendricks: Secretary of Hommina Hommina Hommina (Joe)

—Lindsay Lohan: Secretary of Career Suicide (Mike)

—Derek Jeter: Prime Minister of Cool (Sean)

—Alex Rodriguez: Director of International Douchebaggery (Brandon)

—Judd Apatow: Senior Advisor to the Vice President, Gratuitous Penis Footage in Mainstream Cinema, Comedy Division (Matt)

—Director of Homeland Security? That crazy chimp that ripped that lady's face off. Deal with THAT, bin Laden! (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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