Poop Reading - NFL 2009, Week 3

NFL 2009, Week 3

by Joe Mulder

Week 2: 9-7

Overall: 17-15

It may be at a glacial pace, but things are moving in the right direction.

The Smartest Things I Said Last Week:

[S]ince the dual curses of being 84 years old and being on the cover of the Madden video game have yet to strike Arizona's Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald, respectively, Jacksonville could be in for a long day.

Though the day itself was 24 hours, which is no longer than normal, Jacksonville did lose 31-17 at home, so I'm counting this prediction as correct.

I'm giving the Texans a mulligan. �Just one. �They're still supposed to have this high-powered offense and this crushing defense, so we'll see.

The Texans' high-powered offense made perfect use of my mulligan, racking up 34 points in an upset of the favored Titans.

The Dumbest Things I Said Last Week:

Vikings @ LIONS +9.5

Picking the Lions? Really?

Rams @ REDSKINS - 9.5

Look at this line; they're just beeeeeegging us to take Washington. Okay; I'll bite.

Shouldn't have bit. The Redskins juuuuuust beat the woeful Rams by two in a win that probably felt more like a loss. If I knew this line was suspiciously high, why did I take the Redskins?

On to this week's picks then. I'm pressed for time, so instead of analysis you'll get my picks in limerick form. Also my picks will largely be informed by which team I thought of a limerick for first, so I wouldn't put a lot of stock in them this week.

BROWNS @ Ravens -13.5

The Lewises, Ray and Jamal,
Play on opposite sides of the ball.
The QB named Flacco
Has Ravens fans wacko
But this line's too high (shoot; no rhyme... stall!)

Redskins @ LIONS +6.5

The 'Skins almost lost to St. Looey,
So this pick isn't just so much hooey.
The Lions will win
Much to the chagrin
Of the Redskins, whose season's kablooey.

[they won't all be gems, folks]

Jaguars @ TEXANS -3.5

This one is a little like stealing.
This line is just far too appealing.
The Texans are rising
While Jax is surprising
Nobody, 'cause that team is reeling.

49ers @ VIKINGS -6.5

A newly conservative Brett
Has Viking fans willing to bet
That a deep playoff run
Could actually be done
For the first time since, well, I forget.

FALCONS @ Patriots -4.5

New England has hit a rough spell,
As its quarterback's struggles will tell.
But how bad can you feel
For Tom Brady, for real?
He still gets to sleep with Giselle.

Chiefs @ EAGLES

They wouldn't post odds for this game,
'Cause Philly's top QB is lame.
(That's "lame" as in "hurt,"
Not "lame" as in Bert,
Ernie's partner of children's show fame)

PACKERS @ Rams +6.5

The Cheeseheads are doubtless concerned,
As weak line play means Rodgers gets burned
And sacked quite a bit,
But now comes respite:
The Rams, whose bad rep is well-earned.

GIANTS @ Buccaneers +6.5

I see a long year for the Bucs,
And if you're from Tampa, that sucks.
The Giants? Elite.
Tampa Bay? Not so sweet.
Bet this game, win a couple of bucks.

Titans @ JETS -3

A rookie QB starting strong
Has excited the Jets fans, who long
For a title not coming
Since Keith Moon was drumming
And Nixon had yet to go wrong.

SAINTS @ Bills +6

The Saints are a big two-and-oh,
And their offense puts on quite a show.
The Bills sure won't top them;
Can anyone stop them?
They could score in a convent, you know.

BEARS @ Seahawks +2

Seattle's young talent is raw,
Which if you watched last week you saw.
So I'm worried about
The team's prospects without
That dumb "View" chick's brother-in-law.

STEELERS @ Bengals +4

The champs lost a tough one, so please,
My advice, to beat Cincy with ease:
Don't let Carson relax,
Go for lots of big sacks,
And if all else fails, dive for his knees.

BRONCOS @ Raiders +1.5

The Raiders are still pretty bad,
With an owner a lot like a dad
Who shows up, drunk and sweating
And probably betting
On Little League games. It's quite sad.

Dolphins @ CHARGERS -6

The Dolphins last year? An illusion.
Hope of '09 success? A delusion.
They'll be real bad this year
And Parcells' giant rear
Will be forced into semi-seclusion.

COLTS @ Cardinals -2.5

The Super Bowl loser, historically?
No playoffs, almost categorically.
So this year, the redbirds
Will all become deadbirds
(though I mean that, of course, metaphorically)

PANTHERS @ Cowboys -8.5

The giant new stadium here
Has a viewscreen the size of Tangier
So all those who came
To each new Cowboys game
Can see Romo throw picks crystal clear.

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NFL 2009, Week 3