POOP READING
Nov 18, 2009

Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2008

New Things the iPhone Will Soon Be Able to Do

—Say, "Whoa there, fat boy" as you open up another bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. (Mike)

New Slogans for the Detroit Lions

—"Where else are you going to throw away your money on a Sunday? Church?" (Matt)

Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Doris Kearns Goodwin's screaming orgasm on the set of NBC's election coverage when Ohio was called for Obama. (Jameson)

Other Signs That the Gloves Are Off in the 2008 Presidential Campaign

—Obama has started referring to the McCain/Palin ticket as "The Old Man and the 'C'." (Joe)

Pros and Cons of Being the Sexiest Man Alive

—Creepiness factor of letters from Mom always being addressed to "Sexiest Son Alive." (Sean)

Other Signs That the Gloves Are Off in the 2008 Presidential Campaign

—Obama and Biden drafting legislation to create mandatory retirement age of 70; McCain and Palin working furiously to repeal Emancipation Proclamation. (Brandon)

Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—McCain's shocking admission that from 11:32 to 11:38 a.m. on June 5th, 2005, he actually put Country Second. (Brad)

Least Popular Halloween Treats for 2008

—Pink slip from Daddy's office. (Mike)

Pros and Cons of Being the Sexiest Man Alive

—It's still unclear why, but he's the only person allowed to pee in the Stanley Cup. (Joe)

New Slogans for the Detroit Lions

—"You think you've got better things to do than come to our games? Well, in that case, you should probably focus on those things." (Jameson)

Other Promotions Being Offered During the 2008 World Series

—Whenever there's a ground rule double, fans in attendance get a free sample of White Castle's new Ground Mule Double Cheeseburger. (Brandon)

Other Missteps That Will Result in a Lifetime Ban for "Pacman" Jones

—Reading "Tuesdays With Morrie" on Wednesdays. (Matt)

Other Signs That the Gloves Are Off in the 2008 Presidential Campaign

—Todd Palin and Jill Biden start a torrid affair that ends in heartbreak for one and murder for the other. (Mike)

Other Promotions Being Offered During the 2008 World Series

—Free Microsoft Zune for the first 1,000 ballpark patrons who do not angrily refuse it. (Jameson)

Least Popular Halloween Treats for 2008

—Reese's Peanut Butter Cunts. (Brandon)

Pros and Cons of Being the Sexiest Man Alive

—Must polish Robert Duvall's shoes once a week, because he was "sexy before sexy was cool." (Matt)

Other Promotions Being Offered During the 2008 World Series

—If a runner advances on a balk, everyone in America wins a handful of raw taco meat. (Jameson)

New Slogans for the Detroit Lions

—"See tomorrow's C-level celebrity golf tournament hosts today!" (Mike)

Other Signs That the Gloves Are Off in the 2008 Presidential Campaign

—John McCain's impromptu trip to the funeral of Joe Biden's mother-in-law, where he gut-punched the deceased. (Brandon)

Least Popular Halloween Treats for 2008

—A three-hour long harangue about Jesus. (Joe)

Other Missteps That Will Result in a Lifetime Ban for "Pacman" Jones

—Making an appointment to miss a rehab appointment, thereby missing the appointment if he shows up or if he doesn't, and forcing Goodell to question the fabric of logic and reason. (Jameson)

New Things the iPhone Will Soon Be Able to Do

—Got a mortal enemy? Not any more, you don't. (Brandon)

Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—McCain's push for multiple Town Hall format debates fails when young voters across the country are heard uttering "What the fuck is a 'town hall'?" (Matt)

New Slogans for the Detroit Lions

—"Catch 'Orlovsky Fever!'... as in backup quarterback Dan Orlovsky, and not the disease that killed all those hobos in Delaware." (Joe)

Pros and Cons of Being the Sexiest Man Alive

—Responsible for tending flowers at the gravesite of the Sexiest Man Dead: Dwight D. Eisenhower. (Mike)

New Slogans for the Detroit Lions

—"Are you ready for some football? Because we are not." (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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