POOP READING
Jan 13, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: December 2008-January 2009

Ways the Big Three Automakers Plan to Spend $34 Billion

—The can't-miss new Carumpster: the car that's also a dumpster! (Brandon)

Least Popular Holiday Tales

—Santa Saves KISS From Making KISS Saves Christmas (Sean)

Dot-Com Startups That Never Hit It Big

—barackobamathemoroccanllama.com: The home of Barack Obama the Moroccan Llama. "Llama is called Barack Obama, like your U.S. of President! Makes poopings in hands. Many fun for the childrens. You call, buy cash money today!" (Mike)

Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug

—Complete and utter inability to tell Dylan McDermott from Dermot Mulroney. (Joe)

Least Popular Holiday Tales

—I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus in His Private Area (Jameson)

Memorable Moments from 2008 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—The Nintendo Pii revolutionizes the way the world urinates. (Matt)

Ways the Big Three Automakers Plan to Spend $34 Billion

—Can finally afford Yakuza hits on Honda CEO Takeo Fukui and Toyota CEO Katsuaki Watanabe. (Brad)

Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug

—Sudden, screaming orgasms while driving. (Brandon)

Additional Demands Made by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich

—Every member of Obama's new cabinet must start spelling his or her last name with a silent "j." (Joe)

Better Ways to Pick a College Football Champion

—Invent a supercomputer that can watch video footage of all games and judge definitively which team has more "heart" and "grit." Eventually this technology will be adapted for the awarding of Oscars, the electing of presidents, and the selection of menu items at Taco Bell. (Jameson)

Other Revelations in Joe Torre's Upcoming Book The Yankee Years

—Boys have a penis, Melky Cabrera has a pineapple-shaped probing rod. (Matt)

Least Popular Holiday Tales

—Dick Cheney's Waterboarding Christmas (Mike)

Surprises Planned for the Obama Inauguration

—Inaugural "poem" will actually be curse-filled monologue from Glengarry Glen Ross. (Brandon)

Better Uses for NBC's 10pm Time Slot Than Giving It to Jay Leno

—First word: arm. Second word: wrestling. And if you even need me to add a third word, then brother, I honestly wish you the best, but I'm afraid we've got nothing more to say to each other. (Joe)

Memorable Moments from 2008 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Housing prices plummet to the point that hobos can afford condos in Ft. Lauderdale, but hobos are too smart for that. (Jameson)

Dot-Com Startups That Never Hit It Big

—fishnets.net: Look, we don't sell fishing nets or fishnet stockings. This is the personal website of F.I. Shnets, dammit! (Matt)

Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug

—Uncontrollable urge to shout out Larry Bird's name during sex. (Mike)

Other Revelations in Joe Torre's Upcoming Book The Yankee Years

—Hideki Matsui can speak perfect English, but only if he talks really fast and barely moves his lips. (Sean)

Least Popular Holiday Tales

—Muntadhar, the Elf Who Threw a Shoe at Santa Claus (Brandon)

Ways the Big Three Automakers Plan to Spend $34 Billion

—You know how you always hear people say "nowhere in the world is there a 450-foot-high solid gold waterslide"? Well, don't expect to be hearing people say that for very much longer. (Joe)

Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug

—Difficulty swallowing, or in rare cases, way too much ease in swallowing. (Jameson)

Ways the Big Three Automakers Plan to Spend $34 Billion

—Hey America, get ready for up to two additional miles per gallon! (Matt)

Better Uses for NBC's 10pm Time Slot Than Giving It to Jay Leno

—A nightly, in-person, hour-long apology from former NBC president Warren Littlefield for giving The Tonight Show to Jay Leno in the first place. (Mike)

Least Popular Holiday Tales

—Cock-Blocked on Christmas Again (Jameson)

Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug

—While watching The NBC Nightly News, anytime Brian Williams speaks, all you will hear is the haunted moans of ancient ghosts. (Brandon)

Least Popular Holiday Tales

—How the Grinch Stole $33,000 in a Nigerian Email Scam (Matt)

Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug

—Whenever you read a word that has a "Q" in it, you poop a little. (Joe)

Memorable Moments from 2008 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—After agreeing to bail out the American automakers, Congress receives pleas from other defunct industries, such as the rotary telephone builders, powdered wig makers, and novelty peanut brittle snake-in-a-can manufacturers. (Jameson)

Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug

—Uncontrollable urge to punch Terry Bradshaw in the neck (though results were the same with placebo). (Brandon)

Other Revelations in Joe Torre's Upcoming Book The Yankee Years

—Randy Johnson has what can only be described as a "pube mullet." (Joe)

Least Popular Holiday Tales

—Christmas in Guantanamo Bay, or Why Some People Hope All They Get for Christmas is a Lump of Coal (Sean)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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