Poop Reading - Memorable Moments from 2009 That May Not Have Actually Happened

Memorable Moments from 2009 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—After a historic election, Democrats and Republicans come together in the kind spirit of patriotism to work seriously, carefully, and honorably on the nation's most important business. (Mike)

—Kanye West interrupts newly-elected President Barack Obama's inaugural address, grabbing the microphone to declare that "Millard Fillmore made one of the best inaugural addresses of all time." (Brandon)

—The 17th Tiger Woods mistress to come forward? Sarah Palin. (Joe)

—Two trains, traveling at different speeds from the East and West, collide in Scottsbluff, NE, tragically killing all 32 mathematicians on board. (Matt)

—On December 25th, a young man on an airplane attempts to set off an incendiary device hidden in his crotch, knocking Vince Vaughn's Fred Claus off the top Google hit for "Christmas, underpants, and bomb" for the first time since 2007. (Jameson)

—The Yankees won the World Series, but did so totally naked. (Matt)

—Kate Gosselin's crazy hairdo actually impales three of her kids. Kills those poor little fuckers, right there on TV. (Joe)

—Nominated for a Golden Globe for their performance in Avatar, eight infrared motion-capture dots appear on James Lipton's Inside the Actor's Studio and share emotional stories from their upbringing. (Jameson)

—President Barack Obama exposes himself to the King of Norway, introducing what he calls "The Peacemaker" at the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony. (Mike)

—To celebrate Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday, Congress passes a law making it mandatory for all U.S. citizens to wear top hats and a sweet no-mustache beard for the remainder of 2009. (Brandon)

—Zubaz got really popular again. But it just didn't feel as fun this time around. (Matt)

—Guant�namo Bay detainees begin moving to the U.S. awaiting trial. Most are housed in maximum security prisons, but, citing space limitations, the government places some of them in nursing homes and dresses others up as mall Santas. (Jameson)

—A choked-up David Letterman tearfully admits to having had sex with Oprah. (Joe)

—As part of his Pennsylvania Ave. hazing, President-elect Obama has to ride the Underground Railroad from Atlanta to Washington D.C. for his inauguration. (Matt)

—Capt. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger restores the world's faith in democracy by landing a disabled DC-9 in the middle of the disputed Iranian elections. (Jameson)

—The Los Angeles Clippers NBA Championship parade was off the hook! (Mike)

—Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is impeached after being arrested on federal corruption charges for trying to assign his hair to the state's vacated Senate seat. (Brandon)

—Dick Cheney shoots President Obama in the Oval Office after "mistaking him for a bear" while looking through his high-powered rifle scope. (Matt)

—Struggling to staunch the loss of network TV viewers to cable, NBC launches a nightly program in which Howie Mandel and Stone Phillips watch TNT shows on their laptops and offer commentary and analysis to the home viewer. (Jameson)

—Legendary Redskins quarterback Sammy Baugh, who retired in 1952 and died in 2008 at the age of 94, rises from the grave and announces that he will un-retire and spend the season as the quarterback of Washington's hated rival, the Dallas Cowboys. (Joe)

—Amid a deep recession, Twitter is eclipsed by the ham radio as the nation's fastest growing social messaging service. (Matt)

—While rapacious coverage of the titillating health care debate came from every direction, dull stories like Tiger Woods's marital woes and pranksters crashing a White House party went largely unnoticed and unremarked upon. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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Memorable Moments from 2009 That May Not Have Actually Happened