POOP READING
Mar 24, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2009

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Editors Could Try to Run During Spring Training 2009

—Damon Shaves Wang as Part of Elaborate Spring Training Prank (Matt)

Other Things That Will Set Off a Profanity-Laced Tirade From Christian Bale

—Distracting director of photography Shane Hurlbut while Hurlbut is distracting Bale. (Brandon)

New NBC Slogans

—What If We Gave You Another Half-Dozen Law & Orders? Is That Something You Might Be Interested In? (Joe)

Additional Past Transgressions Alex Rodriguez Admitted to This Week

—Once spanked it to a picture of Coretta Scott King. (Jameson)

Signs That You May Be Suffering From March Madness

—You find yourself unable to order at a restaurant because no one has taken the time to properly seed the appetizers. (Sean)

Lesser-Known Provisions in the New Economic Stimulus Package

—As part of the bank nationalization plan, the first customer to secure a loan at a participating bank will immediately become the CEO of that bank. (Brad)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Editors Could Try to Run During Spring Training 2009

—After Eight Months of Waiting, Girardi Finally Gets Wang Back (Mike)

Other Things That Will Set Off a Profanity-Laced Tirade From Christian Bale

—The fact that Grape Nuts has neither grapes nor nuts, yet consistently produces traces of both in his stool. (Matt)

Lesser-Known Provisions in the New Economic Stimulus Package

—Once a week, the government will literally give you a penny for your thoughts. (Joe)

Better Ways to End Long Speeches at the Oscars

—Instead of "WRAP IT UP," TelePrompTer should display a naked picture of Harvey Fierstein on a burro. (Jameson)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Editors Could Try to Run During Spring Training 2009

—Eager Wang Excited About Getting Back on Mound (Brandon)

Least Popular Versions of the Barbie Doll

—Golddigger Barbie (FAO Schwartz exclusive 2-pak with 95-Year-Old-Billionaire-In-A-Coma Ken) (Sean)

Lesser-Known Provisions in the New Economic Stimulus Package

—Remember the Six Million Dollar Man? There's money in there for like eight more of him. (Matt)

Signs That You May Be Suffering From March Madness

—Well, for one thing, your February Fanaticism has gotten noticeably worse. (Joe)

Additional Past Transgressions Alex Rodriguez Admitted to This Week

—As a teenager in the late '80s, frequently placed bets on whether or not Pete Rose was betting on baseball. (Jameson)

New NBC Slogans

—Turns Out We're the Biggest Loser! (Brad)

Better Ways to End Long Speeches at the Oscars

—After an acceptance speech crests one-minute, the glass case keeping Ted Nugent from his crossbow is removed by accountants from the firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers. (Mike)

Least Popular Versions of the Barbie Doll

—Heavy Menstrual Flow Barbie (Matt)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Editors Could Try to Run During Spring Training 2009

—Aging George Steinbrenner Hopes Wang Can Still Perform (Joe)

Signs That You May Be Suffering From March Madness

—"Gon-ZAGG-a?" "Gon-ZOGG-a?" "Gon-ZAY-ga?" Your restless muttering is keeping your wife awake all night. (Jameson)

Least Popular Versions of the Barbie Doll

—The Crying Game Barbie (Sean)

Additional Past Transgressions Alex Rodriguez Admitted to This Week

—He and Madonna did some unspeakable things with a fungo bat. (Brandon)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Editors Could Try to Run During Spring Training 2009

—Pumped-Up Wang Sticks It to Twins During Doubleheader (Matt)

Other Things That Will Set Off a Profanity-Laced Tirade From Christian Bale

—The mere suggestion that anything else runs like a Deere. (Joe)

Least Popular Versions of the Barbie Doll

—Multiple Orgasm Barbie (Complete with unrealistic expectations!) (Jameson)

Signs That You May Be Suffering From March Madness

—You tromp around the house angrily, bringing your knees to the level of your navel while keeping your toes pointed down...oh, sorry, that's a sign you may be suffering from Mad Marchness. (Sean)

Other Things That Will Set Off a Profanity-Laced Tirade From Christian Bale

—Finding out that "having a beef" with someone doesn't mean you'll be going out for steaks at Outback Steakhouse. (Matt)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Editors Could Try to Run During Spring Training 2009

—Wang's Resurgence Encouraged By Yanks (Joe)

Least Popular Versions of the Barbie Doll

—1970s "Natural Bush" Barbie (Jameson)

Lesser-Known Provisions in the New Economic Stimulus Package

—Plan to put hero pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger out to stud, thus creating a new generation of "everyday heroes" who will save America by the year 2035. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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