POOP READING
Apr 16, 2010

Last week, 90-year-old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced that he will be retiring this summer, after nearly 35 years on the Court. And while he will no doubt leave with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, there are perks and positive aspects of the position that will be tough to leave behind...

Things That John Paul Stevens Will Miss About Being a Supreme Court Justice

—Stealing his neighbor's paper every morning and saying, "What are you gonna do about it? Take me to court?" (Jameson)

—The fact that saying "I'm one of the Supremes" works as a pick-up line on both smart law school chicks and really dumb Motown fans. (Brandon)

—Forcing his family to announce "Here come de judge!" whenever he shows up at the dinner table. (Tenessa)

—Those great Eyes Wide Shut-style parties at Ruth Bader Ginsburg's house. (Mike)

—Supreme Court Justice reserved parking at American Apparel. (Matt)

—Shouting "learn the language or get the hell out" to Sonia Sotomayor has yet to get old. (Joe)

—In the Supreme Court commissary, all the food comes pre-chewed. (Jameson)

—Justices get a free small soda at participating D.C.-area Blimpie's. (Brandon)

—The pubic hair Clarence Thomas leaves on his Coke each morning. (Tenessa)

—How mad Scalia gets every time you secretly tape a handwritten sign to the back of his robe that says "Constitution, Schmonstitution." (Joe)

—Getting to help decide whether or not high school principals should pants teenage girls for bringing Advil to school. (Jameson)

—That time, for shits and giggles, when they made Bush president. (Mike)

—Pooping in Anthony Kennedy's birthday cake every year. (Matt)

—Those flowing robes: good for hiding erections, shoplifted items, and his predilection for cross-dressing. (Jameson)

—The laughs he gets from the rest of the Court by derisively saying "Who the fuck is this guy?" any time Justice Stephen Breyer speaks. (Brandon)

—Tail-gaiting before "chick cases." (Tenessa)

—You can travel the globe from the Greek Isles to the Great Barrier Reef and you'll never find anything bluer than Chief Justice John Roberts's eyes. (Joe)

—Seeing himself depicted as an anonymous elderly white guy in a political cartoon once every eight months or so. (Jameson)

—Pantsless Deliberation Fridays. (Mike)

—Punking that bitch-ass Alito by replacing his gavel with a double dildo. (Brandon)

—Asking the other justices if they'd like a "happy ending" after each decision. (Tenessa)

—Being one of the few people in the country whose "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Al Gore" bumper sticker really meant something. (Jameson)

—The same thing everyone involved in the justice system misses most when they retire: puttin' punks behind bars. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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