POOP READING
May 19, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2009

Least Popular Home Repair Books

—Caulking When You Have No Caulk (Sean)

Other Controversial, Inappropriate, or Otherwise Odd Remarks Made By Miss USA Pageant Contestants

—"The carpet does match the drapes, but hidden beneath the carpet is my penis." (Jameson)

Additional Cheerios Claims That Were Shot Down By the FDA

—Five bowls a day will give you orgasms so powerful they create a parallel universe where you are also having an orgasm. (Brandon)

Less Publicized Accomplishments From Obama's First 100 Days in Office

—Fulfilling a lifelong dream, he retraced the path of Lewis and Clark with his finger on a small map. (Matt)

Additional Cheerios Claims That Were Shot Down By the FDA

—If you put enough of them in her mouth, your wife will shut the hell up for once. (Mike)

Surprises Found in the New Star Trek Movie

—Far, far more full frontal nudity than could ever be considered necessary or desirable, even by people who are huge fans of full frontal nudity. (Joe)

Least Popular Home Repair Books

—Transform Your Garage Into a Hobo Brothel (Brad)

Andy Rooney Commentaries That Were Rejected By 60 Minutes

—I Always Thought Salvador Dalí Had a Shitty Attitude (Jameson)

Pros and Cons of Being a Somali Pirate

—The pungent aromas of fish guts, mildewed clothing, and sweaty ass are not the aphrodisiacs that all those Kanye West songs would lead you to believe they are. (Brandon)

Surprises Found in the New Star Trek Movie

—Eric Bana proves that Australians can still be sexy in outer space, contrary to what it says in the Bible. (Matt)

Additional Details About Dos Equis's Most Interesting Man in the World

—He doesn't need Rapunzel to let down her hair, he grows his up. (Mike)

Other Celebrities Who Will Be Joining the Obama Administration

—Mad Men actress Christina Hendricks: Secretary of Hommina Hommina Hommina (Joe)

Pros and Cons of Being a Somali Pirate

—Not nearly as many Keira Knightley types hanging around as Pirates of the Caribbean made it seem like there would be. (Sean)

Surprises Found in the New Star Trek Movie

—Uhura totally lets Kirk "boldly go where no man has gone before." (Brad)

Least Popular Home Repair Books

—Richard Karn's Educated Guess: How Houses Are Built (Jameson)

Andy Rooney Commentaries That Were Rejected By 60 Minutes

—Have You Ever Looked Really Closely at a Black Man's Penis? (Brandon)

Additional Details About Dos Equis's Most Interesting Man in the World

—He once kicked a soccer ball so hard it sent Pele back in time. (Matt)

Pros and Cons of Being a Somali Pirate

—Always at sea during "Somali Pirate's Week" on Jeopardy! (Mike)

Least Popular Home Repair Books

—Here's How a Husband Would Fix It (If You Had One, Which Is Something You Might Start Thinking About, Because It's Not Like You're Getting Any Younger) (Joe)

Less Publicized Accomplishments From Obama's First 100 Days in Office

—I can't be sure, but I really think this mole on my neck has gotten smaller. (Sean)

Surprises Found in the New Star Trek Movie

—Unpleasant sequence in which Kirk waterboards an Ewok. (Jameson)

Least Popular Home Repair Books

—Turning Your Outhouse Into an Inhouse (Brandon)

Additional Details About Dos Equis's Most Interesting Man in the World

—He once arm-wrestled a bear on top of Mt. McKinley and won the right to mate with its sow. (Matt)

Additional Cheerios Claims That Were Shot Down By the FDA

—A bowl a day helps men develop their own "honey nut." (Mike)

Less Publicized Accomplishments From Obama's First 100 Days in Office

—Intern blowjob count holding steady at zero. (Joe)

Andy Rooney Commentaries That Were Rejected By 60 Minutes

—Lately My Wife's Vagina Has a Really Weird Smell (Jameson)

Surprises Found in the New Star Trek Movie

—Closing credit outtakes where Dom DeLuise's madcap behavior in the filming of various scenes cracks up Burt Reynolds. (Mike)

Additional Details About Dos Equis's Most Interesting Man in the World

—He is only slightly more interesting than the second most interesting man in the world: Senator Jeff Merkley (D, OR). (Joe)

Least Popular Home Repair Books

—Build a House Out of Nothing But Doors (Jameson)

Andy Rooney Commentaries That Were Rejected By 60 Minutes

—It Was My Understanding That There Would Be More Pleasure Robots By Now (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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