POOP READING
Jul 28, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2009

Rejected Jeopardy! Categories

—Rhymes With Fuddruckers (Mike)

Less Prestigious 300 Clubs

—Failed attempts to get a hug from Harrison Ford while wearing a Chewbacca mask. (Brandon)

Recent Additions to the Congressional Health Care Bills

—Got a dog? Well sir, now he's your primary care physician. (Matt)

Other Things Sarah Palin Is Now Demanding an Apology For

—The failure of her daughter Bristol to preserve her pre-marital virginity by making use of the so-called "poophole loophole." (Joe)

New Slogans for Mississippi, the Fattest State in the U.S.

—"If You Lived Here, You'd Be Diabetic By Now!" (Jameson)

Other Proposed Changes to the 2010 Oscars

—The Oscar statuette will be anatomically correct. Not in a threatening way, just enough to let you know he's there. (Sean)

Rejected Harry Potter Book Titles

—Harry Potter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets (Brad)

Rejected Jeopardy! Categories

—Trekkie or Trebekkie? (Mike)

Other Things Sarah Palin Is Now Demanding an Apology For

—The incorrect media portrayal that she supported hunting wolves from a helicopter; she actually endorsed hunting Wolf Blitzer. (Brandon)

Ways That Al Franken Can Make Up For Lost Time

—Get some of whatever Strom Thurmond had in his system. That dude was a zombie or a robot or one of them Highlanders, right? (Matt)

New Slogans for Mississippi, the Fattest State in the U.S.

—"Really? Really?! Have You Seen Wisconsin?" (Joe)

Rejected Harry Potter Book Titles

—Harry Potter and the Restrained, Respectful Mourning of Michael Jackson (Jameson)

Other Proposed Changes to the 2010 Oscars

—Foreign films, independents, and documentaries will be judged together in the new category "Best Self-Indulgent Crap That Nobody Saw." (Sean)

Other Ideas Considered to Resolve the Gates-Crowley Dispute

—Group Glamour Shots. (Matt)

Rejected Jeopardy! Categories

—Potent Scrotables (Joe)

Rejected Harry Potter Book Titles

—Harry Potter and the Senate Subcommittee Hearing on Steam Fitting and Trunk Sundries (Mike)

Less Prestigious 300 Clubs

—Times taking the SAT and average score thereof. (Brandon)

New Slogans for Mississippi, the Fattest State in the U.S.

—"The Place Where Big Fat Guys and Fat Big Guys Have Formed a More Perfect Union" (Matt)

Recent Additions to the Congressional Health Care Bills

—25% discount on all health care if you're willing to go to a doctor who is considered "pervy." (Joe)

Other Things Sarah Palin Is Now Demanding an Apology For

—Her daughter's bastard son is no longer politically expedient, but he refuses to go away. (Jameson)

Rejected Jeopardy! Categories

—Great Moments In Testicular Torsion (Sean)

Rejected Harry Potter Book Titles

—Harry Potter and the Time He Told the Hardy Boys to Go Fuck Themselves (Mike)

Other Things Sarah Palin Is Now Demanding an Apology For

—The results of the 2008 Presidential Election. (Brandon)

Ways That Al Franken Can Make Up For Lost Time

—This might not have anything to do with the Senate, but he could try to convince Brett Favre to shit or get off the pot. (Joe)

Rejected Harry Potter Book Titles

—Harry Potter and the Odor of the Penis (Matt)

Other Proposed Changes to the 2010 Oscars

—If a movie isn't really that good, but just has a lot of dramatic moments to make it seem like an Oscar movie, it won't be considered for nomination. (Ha ha! Just kidding.). (Jameson)

New Slogans for Mississippi, the Fattest State in the U.S.

—"Home of Pizza Water, Choco-Apples, and the New Donut Salad" (Brandon)

Rejected Jeopardy! Categories

—Ends With "-igger" (Joe)

Recent Additions to the Congressional Health Care Bills

—An unhealthy obsession with Tina Fey will be covered. An unhealthy obsession with Tina Yothers will not. (Matt)

Other Things Sarah Palin Is Now Demanding an Apology For

—The Hangover sets an irresponsible example of how to care for an infant, or a wild tiger. (Jameson)

Other Proposed Changes to the 2010 Oscars

—Oscar host will randomly select one person to be killed on the spot and immediately added to the end of the annual "In Memoriam" montage. (Joe)

Rejected Harry Potter Book Titles

—Harry Potter and the Adverb Adjective Noun of the Noun (Sean)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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