POOP READING
Jul 30, 2010

Earlier this week, the website WikiLeaks.org released over 90,000 secret U.S. military documents related to the war in Afghanistan. It is one of the largest leaks in U.S. military history, and the Obama Administration is deeply concerned about what secrets may be divulged next...

Other Things Obama Fears Will Be WikiLeaked

—The name and department of the next dozen government employees he'll be prematurely dismissing for public statements taken out of context. (Jameson)

—Most of the U.S forces in Iraq and Afghanistan now consist of contestants eliminated from Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (Brandon)

—Turns out there's literally like nine other countries with "-stan" in the name. (Joe)

—A note he wrote to his best friend in 7th grade in which he used "their" when he should have used "they're." (Tenessa)

—Due to some faulty communication during the changeover of personnel, that loud music we played to break Noriega's will has been blasting on an endless loop in Panama City since January 1990. (Jameson)

—Pictures showing how he potty trained the family dog Bo through "personal example." (Brandon)

—Not illegal Mexicans across the border, that's for goddamn sure. (Joe)

—The revelation that his much-touted health care reform is really just one tube of Neosporin and a roll of Mr. Yuck stickers sent to the governor of each state. (Tenessa)

—The real reason they switched Darrins on Bewitched. (Jameson)

—An FBI report detailing how if you touch the new iPhone 4's external antenna in just the right place, you will suddenly gain enough bars to communicate with deceased former President Chester A. Arthur. (Brandon)

—Chelsea Clinton has become an absolute "bridezilla." (Joe)

—The fact that Dick Cheney has just as much of a stranglehold on this administration as he did on the last one. (Tenessa)

—Shit comedy writer Justin Halpern's dad says. (Jameson)

—Joe Biden greets most visiting foreign dignitaries while shirtless and sweatily pounding down a greasy hoagie. (Brandon)

—The same person shot J.R. and JFK. (Joe)

—SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! IT'S PEOPLE! (Tenessa)

—The fact that he can't go to his right when playing basketball. (Brandon)

—The Weird-Al-style lyrics he wrote for a song called "I Kicked a Squirrel," set to the tune of Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." It's even lamer than it sounds, guys. (Tenessa)

—The actual lyrics to Nirvana's "Nevermind," which contain many potentially harmful and disastrous state secrets. (Joe)

—The undisclosed location of the offshore CIA detention facility the Budweiser frogs and Spuds MacKenzie were renditioned to. (Jameson)

—The fact that Monica Lewinsky has added another soiled dress to the "O" section of her closet. (Tenessa)

—The nonbelievers are right – it actually is butter. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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