POOP READING
Jul 2, 2010

As we celebrate the 4th of July this weekend, one can't help but wonder what the men who signed the Declaration of Independence would think now if they could see the fruits of their labor...

Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts

—Only about 30 congressmen wear wigs, and not one of those goddamn things is powdered. (Mike)

—Still bitter about the way we gave the cold shoulder to the fife. (Brandon)

—They gave us the freedom to have sex with our own slaves, and we just pissed it away. (Tenessa)

—None of us had the foresight to abort Dane Cook. (Matt)

—Back in the 18th century the American public would have tolerated, at most, two Twilight movies. (Joe)

—They were trying not to be rude and spell it out explicitly, but they thought they were pretty clear about how they felt about black guys being president. Or, you know, living indoors. (Jameson)

—It's been 234 years and we aren't any better at soccer. (Mike)

—We've gotten awfully chummy with those bastard Brits. Prince Charles may seem charming, but he's just biding his time until he can impose taxes on you without your consent! (Brandon)

—We've put up with Megan Fox being in all these movies despite the fact that we've never once gotten to see her naked. (Matt)

—They love that we give free refills on sodas, but they can't believe we charge extra for sour cream. (Tenessa)

—Simply aghast at what has become of the once-proud art of pamphleteering (Thomas Paine only). (Joe)

—Cable news pundits invoke their names to settle every stupid argument when they'd rather be remembered for whorin' and awesome musket fights. (Jameson)

—The 19th amendment. Am I right, fellas? (Mike)

—They never once agreed to letting Arizona be a state. (Tenessa)

—They can't believe that Leno still has a show. (Brandon)

—Nothing was "so Raven" in 1776. (Matt)

—Jefferson didn't buy Louisiana just so the fucking British could have a Gulf Oil Party. (Mike)

—San Diego's Major League Baseball team blew a golden opportunity to honor them when they didn't choose the name "Padres Fundadores." (Joe)

—We still haven't accomplished the one desire upon which they built this great nation: private candy islands for every man over the age of 24. (Jameson)

—No one names their kid Gouverneur anymore. (Mike)

—Paris Hilton, Glenn Beck, Ke$ha, The Situation, Kim Kardashian, Heidi Montag, Kevin Federline, Tila Tequila... come on, can you really blame them? (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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