POOP READING
Nov 12, 2010

This week, former President George W. Bush released his new memoir, Decision Points. And while the book covers all the moments you might expect from his political and personal life, there are a few unexpected tidbits tucked in there as well...

Surprises Found in the New George W. Bush Memoir

—During his first three years at Yale, he pronounced it Y'all. (Matt)

—Actually cares deeply about eight specific black people, whom he declines to name. (Joe)

—For a former President, he sure uses the phrase "screwed the pooch" a lot. (Brandon)

—In 2004, Cheney considered dropping Bush from the ticket. (Mike)

—Devotes one whole chapter to an in-depth analysis of the lyrics to Young MC's "Bust a Move." (Tenessa)

—The acknowledgements open with a hearty thanks to bin Laden for granting him the ability to get away with anything he wanted for his entire administration under the guise of national security. (Jameson)

—There were W.M.D.s found in Iraq, but they turned out to be (George) Wendt's Massive Dumps, which were buried during the Gulf War as part of an agreement between a Cheers-loving George H.W. Bush and NBC. (Matt)

—He never did find out how the children's book My Pet Goat ends. (Joe)

—On page 281, he claims that Kennedy was killed by Biggie Smalls. (Mike)

—Yes, he is aware that his full name, George Walker Bush, is an anagram for "A bugler's keg whore." (Brandon)

—Not only does Vladimir Putin have an uncircumsized penis, on numerous occasions he suggested a doctor for Bush to have his penis un-circumsized. (Matt)

—Remains confused by the concept of sobriety, and since his 40th birthday, has not consumed a beverage of any kind. (Joe)

—Most frequent guest at Camp David? Kanye West. (Mike)

—Any time he addressed the American public from his desk in the Oval Office, he was totally not wearing pants. (Tenessa)

—Was quick to propose to Laura when they were dating because he was concerned he'd gotten her "butt pregnant." (Matt)

—He was actually an enormously incompetent Manchurian Candidate. China is so pissed. (Mike)

—Before presenting any visiting dignitary or head of state with some sort of ceremonial gift, he'd always rub his balls on it. (Joe)

—His biggest Presidential secret? He thought Alan Greenspan was a bit of a dreamboat. (Matt)

—He has also never forgiven Adam West for calling him a racist. (Jameson)

—Was pretty creeped out about sleeping in the same White House bedroom where his parents "did it." (Brandon)

—Dick Cheney's real name? Penis Cheney. (Tenessa)

—During his partying days, he once created a vodka/cocaine/marijuana mix so potent, he ingested it in Connecticut in 1977 and woke up as Governor of Texas in 1995. (Matt)

—Creepily (and inexplicably) explains that he thinks daughter Jenna is hotter than her fraternal twin sister Barbara. (Joe)

—In 1994, while still part owner of the Texas Rangers, he made a deal with the devil: the Rangers would get to the World Series in 2010 if he agreed to totally fucking wreck the country a few years prior to that. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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