POOP READING
Dec 1, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2009

Surprises Found in the New Sarah Palin Memoir

—Original punchline to her "What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?" joke was "Slightly less pooping in the yard." (Brandon)

Other Reasons Americans Are So Distracted While Driving

—The typical commuter is driving two or three cars at the same time. (Jameson)

Reasons Why the Math Scores of U.S. Schoolchildren Are Failing to Improve

—Long division still not more fun than masturbating. (Mike)

Balloon Boy Family Excuses

—Were simply trying to float up to heaven, because they weren't quite ready to say goodbye to Patrick Swayze. (Joe)

Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report

—The Extremely Hot Oven for Babies (Matt)

Other Reasons Americans Are So Distracted While Driving

—I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm always checking to see if that "Show Me Your Cans" sign in my back window is having any effect. (Sean)

Surprises Found in the New Sarah Palin Memoir

—First heard phrase "Drill, Baby, Drill!" while walking past daughter Bristol's bedroom. (Brad)

Reasons Why the Math Scores of U.S. Schoolchildren Are Failing to Improve

—No one will tell them how many texts there are in a tweet, and how many tweets are in a Facebook. (Brandon)

Ways That Nicolas Cage Wasted Hundreds of Millions of Dollars

—Long-standing misapprehension that Brewster's Millions was a documentary. (Jameson)

Titles For a Fourth Jason Bourne Movie That Will Keep the Franchise in Alphabetical Order

—The Bourne Vespers of the 1st Lutheran Church of Tracy, MN (Mike)

Hulk Hogan Complaints About Returning to Wrestling at Age 56

—Much, much tougher to avoid stepping on his own pendulous, dangling scrotum than he remembered. (Joe)

Balloon Boy Family Excuses

—Balloon was sent as a message to all area hobos, that the Heenes were not a family to be trifled with. (Matt)

Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report

—He-She Man (Sean)

Titles For a Fourth Jason Bourne Movie That Will Keep the Franchise in Alphabetical Order

—The Bourne Weekend at Bernie's (Brandon)

Surprises Found in the New Sarah Palin Memoir

—In addition to her ability to see Russia from Alaska, she can also hear Singapore and smell China. (Jameson)

Least Popular Halloween Costumes for 2009

—Secret Muslim (Mike)

Balloon Boy Family Excuses

—With the intrusive and inconvenient nature of security at our nation's airports, a giant plastic balloon covered in tinfoil is actually the easiest and most efficient way to travel through the air these days. (Joe)

Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report

—Bi-Curious George (Matt)

Reasons Why the Math Scores of U.S. Schoolchildren Are Failing to Improve

—Watching Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? has made them realize the bar for adult intelligence has been set pretty low. (Brandon)

Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report

—Stabzo, the Transformer that changes from a sharp, pointy robot into an even sharper, pointier robot (Jameson)

Hulk Hogan Complaints About Returning to Wrestling at Age 56

—His HMO considers "Hit from behind with a steel chair by Mr. Fuji" to be a pre-existing condition. (Mike)

Other Reasons Americans Are So Distracted While Driving

—Are attempting in vain to decipher needlessly inscrutable vanity license plates. (Joe)

Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report

—Snoopy's Big Book of Holocaust Denial (Matt)

Titles For a Fourth Jason Bourne Movie That Will Keep the Franchise in Alphabetical Order

—The Bourne Yesterday (Brandon)

Other Reasons Americans Are So Distracted While Driving

—Watching The Princess Bride on the built-in DVD player of the Escalade one lane over. (Jameson)

Surprises Found in the New Sarah Palin Memoir

—Unable to locate America, real or otherwise, on a standard-issue globe. (Mike)

Titles For a Fourth Jason Bourne Movie That Will Keep the Franchise in Alphabetical Order

—The Bourne Unpleasantness (Joe)

Reasons Why the Math Scores of U.S. Schoolchildren Are Failing to Improve

—Most U.S. children have only 2 or 3 fingers on each hand, making them unlikely to be able to do anything other than question why they have so few fingers. (Matt)

Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report

—Stomp On My Scrotum Elmo (Sean)

Surprises Found in the New Sarah Palin Memoir

—After she gives birth, she refuses to name the child until she gets absolutely bombed out of her mind on peyote. (Joe)

Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report

—Sucker Punch: The Board Game (Brandon)

Balloon Boy Family Excuses

—Probably shouldn't have named him Falcon. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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