POOP READING
Feb 9, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: December 2009-January 2010

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

—You once attempted to breastfeed your iPod mini when it ran out of battery power. (Matt)

Least Popular Christmas Carols

—Do You Hear What Sarah Palin Hears? (Mike)

Things That Might Be in Your Drinking Water

—No matter how good your treatment system is, you can never fully get rid of all of the walrus blood. (Brandon)

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

—When you learned the iPad wouldn't be available until later this year, you had an abortion so your child wouldn't be born into a world without the iPad. (Jameson)

Other Rejected Solutions to NBC's Late Night Problem

—Run a split-screen with Conan and Jay's shows airing simultaneously, and hope to appeal to whoever the hell it is that watches Around the Horn. (Joe)

Mistakes Made by Martha Coakley in the Massachusetts Senate Campaign

—Didn't make nearly enough folksy references to snow machines. (Tenessa)

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

—When news broke that Jobs needed a liver transplant, you cut out your own and mailed it to him. (Brad)

Things That Might Be in Your Drinking Water

—Photos of you drinking water. (Matt)

Least Popular Christmas Carols

—O Christmas Knee (O Can of Balm) (Mike)

Surprises Found in the New Avatar Movie

—Movie was based on a drastic misinterpretation of the Bible. (Brandon)

Additional Accusations Being Made Against Tiger Woods

—Reads a woman like he reads a putting green: he lays her down and squats on her. (Jameson)

Memorable Moments from 2009 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Kate Gosselin's crazy hairdo actually impales three of her kids. Kills those poor little fuckers, right there on TV. (Joe)

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

—Sometimes when you say something really funny, you glance out of the corner of your eye to see if your iPhone will laugh. (Matt)

Additional Accusations Being Made Against Tiger Woods

—Can't get an erection unless he's holding a lob wedge. (Mike)

Mistakes Made by Martha Coakley in the Massachusetts Senate Campaign

—Sucker punching Larry Bird. (Brandon)

Surprises Found in the New Avatar Movie

—Even on the isolated, peaceful planet of Pandora, most of the women have slept with Tiger Woods. (Jameson)

Least Popular Christmas Carols

—The Little Drummer Boy Who Didn't Get Any Presents Because, You Know, The Ecomomy (Joe)

Other Rejected Solutions to NBC's Late Night Problem

—Have each guy host his own Tonight Show, air them back-to-back, and create an extra hour each night by telling viewers to set their clocks back in between shows, which allows both to technically start at 11:35. Then let those Washington fat cats deal with the consequences. (Matt)

Least Popular Christmas Carols

—The Third Noel: With a Vengeance (Mike)

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

—You've created a new sex act that you like to refer to as a "Steve Job." (Brandon)

Additional Accusations Being Made Against Tiger Woods

—Once played a round of "best ball" with Phil Mickelson that had nothing whatsoever to do with golf. (Brandon)

Least Popular Christmas Carols

—Whose Child Is This, Maury? (Jameson)

Things That Might Be in Your Drinking Water

—Well, if you're me, then vodka. (Joe)

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

—You refuse to have any windows whatsoever in your home. (Tenessa)

Surprises Found in the New Avatar Movie

—All the technology in the world is no match for masturbating. (Wait, that's something that is in no way a surprise to anyone who has ever masturbated). (Mike)

Mistakes Made by Martha Coakley in the Massachusetts Senate Campaign

—Never came up with a suitable response to Brown's "If the Kennedys are so great, then how come they're all dead?" zinger. (Joe)

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

—When your iPhone spellchecker suggested a different spelling for your girlfriend's name, you left her for someone who spelled it that way. (Jameson)

Things That Might Be in Your Drinking Water

—If you live downstream from Rush Limbaugh, a shitload of barbiturates. (Mike)

Surprises Found in the New Avatar Movie

—Blatant product placement where Na'vi aliens power up for battle by eating several pounds of Bush's new Grillin' Beans. (Brandon)

Other Rejected Solutions to NBC's Late Night Problem

—Start reading "Archie" comics to see how they reached a decision on Betty vs. Veronica, while also using focus groups to figure out which woman Americans see Jay as. (Mike)

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

—If you found a puma tomorrow on your drive to work, you would name it Steve Jobs. (Matt)

Least Popular Christmas Carols

—I Saw Mommy Kissing Tiger Woods (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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