POOP READING
May 18, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2010

Signs That the Pittsburgh Pirates and Their Fans Have Given Up Hope

—New team uniform is sweatpants and a ratty old T-shirt. (Mike)

Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors

—You Filthy S'more (Brandon)

Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Doctor Say

—"Well, I'll tell you what I always tell Courtney Love..." (Joe)

Additional Problems Caused by Having Too Much Sodium in Your Diet

—The inside of your vagina looks like a geode. (Matt)

Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame

—An Arby's with a Taco Bell inside it that has an Arby's in it. (Jameson)

Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Doctor Say

—"Gosh, I remember when your mom tried to abort you!" (Tenessa)

Ways to Fill the Void During the Summer TV Hiatus

—Remove Cheetos stains from hands, clothing, upholstery, carpet, children, and pets. (Brad)

Things That John Paul Stevens Will Miss About Being a Supreme Court Justice

—Those great Eyes Wide Shut-style parties at Ruth Bader Ginsburg's house. (Mike)

Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame

—They don't have a display where you can kiss bricks from the Indianapolis Motor Speedway the way the drivers do, but, for a couple bucks, they'll let you dry hump an old race-used tire. (Brandon)

Surprises Found in the Final Episode of Lost

—Apropos of nothing, the Smoke Monster is gay. (Joe)

Signs That the Pittsburgh Pirates and Their Fans Have Given Up Hope

—When you ask them if they want to be in one of those old-timey Wild West photos, they always request to be the sad prostitute. (Matt)

Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame

—A gallery of the best New Yorker NASCAR covers over the years. (Jameson)

Other Ways BP Plans to Make Up for the Gulf Oil Spill

—Now that immigrants aren't welcome in Arizona, BP is happy to offer them dangerous cleanup work. (Tenessa)

Signs That the Pittsburgh Pirates and Their Fans Have Given Up Hope

—Last Christmas, most Pittsburgh-area children's letters to Santa simply asked for "a quick and painless death that I won't see coming." (Joe)

Ways to Fill the Void During the Summer TV Hiatus

—The Facts of Life + Hulu + Jergens = Problem solved! (Matt)

Additional Problems Caused by Having Too Much Sodium in Your Diet

—Being cursed with the ability to see exactly one tweet into the future. (Jameson)

Ways to Fill the Void During the Summer TV Hiatus

—Step One: Get drunk. Step Two: Stay drunk. (Mike)

Things That John Paul Stevens Will Miss About Being a Supreme Court Justice

—The fact that saying "I'm one of the Supremes" works as a pick-up line on both smart law school chicks and really dumb Motown fans. (Brandon)

Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors

—Date Grape (Joe)

Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Doctor Say

—"If your poops don't fit into these medical envelopes, you're eating too much Arby's." (Matt)

Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame

—A high-pressure nozzle that can get 14 gallons of ranch dressing into a NASCAR fan in under 1.1 seconds. (Jameson)

Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors

—Veal Patrick Harris (Tenessa)

Surprises Found in the Final Episode of Lost

—Richard Alpert, who was born in the 18th century and became immortal on the island, reveals that the worst thing he has ever seen in his entire existence was Confessions of a Shopaholic. (Joe)

Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Doctor Say

—"It turns out what we thought was your bellybutton is actually an innie penis, and what we thought was your penis is actually a very large outie vagina." (Matt)

Things That John Paul Stevens Will Miss About Being a Supreme Court Justice

—Being one of the few people in the country whose "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Al Gore" bumper sticker really meant something. (Jameson)

Signs That the Pittsburgh Pirates and Their Fans Have Given Up Hope

—Team officials no longer bother to paint over the constant graffiti changing the name of PNC Park into Poops N' Cocks Park. (Brandon)

Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors

—Ty "Georgia Peach" Cobbler (not available for purchase by Negroes, Spaniards, or "dandies"). (Matt)

Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame

—Windowless basement room with a couple racks of clothing from Sears – you know, something for the ladies. (Tenessa)

Surprises Found in the Final Episode of Lost

—Remember The Crying Game? Yeah; that was nothing. Kate has two penises. (Joe)

Ways to Fill the Void During the Summer TV Hiatus

—"Daisy Duke" all of the jeans you own and let the compliments melt your summer away. (Matt)

Signs That the Pittsburgh Pirates and Their Fans Have Given Up Hope

—Area residents petition their cable provider whenever Pirates games aren't blacked out. (Jameson)

Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame

—All patrons 21 and over receive a free Dale Earnhardt memorial "That Was the Only Time I Ever Seen My Daddy Cry" foam rubber beer cozy. (Joe)

Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors

—Don't Make Me Artichoke a Bitch (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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