POOP READING
Jun 17, 2011

This week, seven candidates vying to be the Republican nominee for President in 2012 participated in a two-hour debate, a chance for voters to get to know them and their positions a little better. And with the field set to expand even further, it's becoming clear there's a lot the American voters need to learn about all these GOP hopefuls...

Little-Known Facts About the GOP Presidential Candidates

—Whenever Mitt Romney sends anybody a picture of his cock, it's always wearing a little tie. (Joe)

—Long before the phrase appeared in ads for KFC, Ron Paul's congressional campaign slogan was "Finger Lickin' Good". (Brandon)

—With all the attention paid to Gingrich's high-profile divorces, nobody gives him credit for all the women he cheated on his wives with but didn't go on to marry and divorce. (Jameson)

—A call girl once paid Tim Pawlenty $50 to stop having sex because she was so bored. (Matt)

—Rick Santorum also fathered a child with Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper. (Mike)

—Newt Gingrich is the result of an unholy sexual union between a newt and the Grinch. (Tenessa)

—Herman Cain exists. (Joe)

—Rick Perry believes that during the down time between cases, the Supreme Court should be a jazz-fusion oboe band. (Brandon)

—There is literally nothing that Rick Santorum cannot fit in his ear. (Jameson)

—In 1982, Rudy Giuliani had matching head and genital comb-overs. (Matt)

—Any one of them, up to and including the barely-5-foot Michele Bachmann, would have played better in the fourth quarter of those NBA Finals games than LeBron did. (Joe)

—Mitt Romney's older brother's name is Dam. (Brandon)

—Ron Paul has an Airedale Terrier named "Misty" that only he can see. (Jameson)

—Gary Johnson has no johnson. (Matt)

—Whereas most humans are approximately 70% water, Newt Gingrich is 70% cream cheese. (Joe)

—As opponents of gay marriage, all of the male candidates steadfastly refuse to eat hot dogs, bananas, or popsicles because, well, you know. (Brandon)

—The recent debate was scheduled for a Monday because Tuesday nights are clothing-optional for Herman Cain. (Jameson)

—While Jon Huntsman has never admitted to actually hunting man, he has also never been able to give a reasonable explanation for the exorbitant amount of human hair in his stool. (Matt)

—During his term in office, Tim Pawlenty appeared in several obscure adult films under the name "Governor Tim Plenty." (Joe)

—While in Congress, Newt Gingrich's only piece of legislation was the baffling and controversial "Handjobs for Hobos" bill. (Brandon)

—A surprising number of people have tried to burn Michele Bachmann at a stake. (Matt)

—Rick Santorum has never masturbated; Mitt Romney has never not masturbated. (Jameson)

—One of them is named Tim or Tom or Terry or something. You can probably Google it. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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