POOP READING
Jul 27, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2010

Other Things Obama Fears Will Be WikiLeaked

—Chelsea Clinton has become an absolute "bridezilla." (Joe)

Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts

—Still bitter about the way we gave the cold shoulder to the fife. (Brandon)

Signs That Parents Are Getting Fed Up With Parenting

—Bags of letters praising new segment on Barney where the dinosaur answers kids' questions with, "Who cares, eat your fucking grilled cheese." (Tenessa)

Real Reasons the ESPN Zone Restaurant Chain Failed

—Refusal to turn the giant plasma screen TVs to important sporting events because, as the head bartender put it, "When The Cutting Edge is on, we watch The Cutting Edge." (Mike)

Other Uses for the Vuvuzela

—You ever have one of those days when a kazoo feels too formal, but blowing a piece of wax paper stretched over a comb feels too gauche? (Jameson)

Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts

—Nothing was "so Raven" in 1776. (Matt)

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—There are virtually no consequences whatsoever to squeezing the Charmin. (Joe)

Surprises Found in Mark Twain's Forthcoming Autobiography

—His favorite pastime? Punching horses in the crotch. (Brandon)

New Slogans for BP

—"The Global Leader in Fucking Shit Up." (Tenessa)

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—Many of the things that Glenn Beck claims to be true are, upon investigation, not true at all. (Mike)

Other Uses for the Vuvuzela

—Please don't Google this, because you know it exists and you know you don't want to know about it, but: vuvuzela porn. (Jameson)

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—Kerri Strug was faking! FAKING! (Matt)

Reasons Mel Gibson Is So Angry

—After being named "Sexiest Man Alive" by People Magazine in 1985, was dethroned by Mark Harmon a year later despite not getting any less sexy in the interim. (Joe)

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—Former Vice President Walter Mondale has an eight-pound cock. (Brandon)

Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts

—They love that we give free refills on sodas, but they can't believe we charge extra for sour cream. (Tenessa)

Surprises Found in Mark Twain's Forthcoming Autobiography

—Henry Ford once told Twain that he invented the automobile just so he'd have a place to get laid without being hassled by his folks. (Joe)

Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts

—Only about 30 congressmen wear wigs, and not one of those goddamn things is powdered. (Mike)

New Slogans for BP

—"Replacing American Idol as the Average Louisianan's Best Chance of Getting on National Television!" (Jameson)

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—Okay, okay, there's no way Rocky could have defeated Ivan Drago. (Matt)

Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts

—Back in the 18th century the American public would have tolerated, at most, two Twilight movies. (Joe)

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—If you build it, they will come, and given time and opportunity, they will eventually try to have sex inside of it. (Brandon)

Signs That Parents Are Getting Fed Up With Parenting

—Choosy moms are no longer choosing Jif. (Tenessa)

New Slogans for BP

—"We've Been Waiting 240 Years for This. Revenge, Yankee Bitches!" (Joe)

Surprises Found in Mark Twain's Forthcoming Autobiography

—Original draft of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn had Huck and Jim "experiment" while floating down the Mississippi. (Mike)

Real Reasons the ESPN Zone Restaurant Chain Failed

—Most diners didn't like the chain's attempt to pass off reheated entrees unsold from the night before on a special "ESPN Classic Zone" menu. (Jameson)

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—It wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald's bullet that partially decapitated JFK, it was the mind-blowing handjob he'd just gotten from Jackie O. (Matt)

Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts

—Simply aghast at what has become of the once-proud art of pamphleteering (Thomas Paine only). (Joe)

Other Uses for the Vuvuzela

—One has been hosting The Glenn Beck Show on FOX News for months now, and no one seems to have noticed. (Mike)

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—In Soviet Russia... tyrannical socialist government spies on you! (Jameson)

Real Reasons the ESPN Zone Restaurant Chain Failed

—Most locations felt less like a Zone and more like a Region. (Matt)

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—Moon landing? Fake. Jacko's nose? Real. (Joe)

Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts

—The 19th amendment. Am I right, fellas? (Mike)

Other Things Obama Fears Will Be WikiLeaked

—The real reason they switched Darrens on Bewitched. (Jameson)

Reasons Mel Gibson Is So Angry

—Um... because she's a gold-digging Russian cunt bitch whore. Am I the only one who heard those tapes? (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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