POOP READING
Oct 7, 2011

Mitt Romney has long been thought to be the frontrunner in the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary, yet Michele Bachmann won the Iowa straw poll, Rick Perry was greeted as a savior when he entered the race late, and Chris Christie was practically begged to run. Is there no end to what GOP voters will do to keep Romney at arm's length?

Things Republicans Are Willing to Do If It Will Help Them Avoid Having Mitt Romney as Their 2012 Nominee

—Raise taxes ...on the healthcare of illegal immigrants! (Jameson)

—Photoshop Romney's head onto Donna Rice's body in that old Gary Hart/Monkey Business photo. (Brandon)

—Look into maybe coaxing Brett Favre out of retirement; he's already a master at flip-flopping on promises and texting cock pictures to hot young women, so politics should come naturally to him. (Joe)

—Kill Steve Jobs. (Mike)

—They're looking into what Dan Quayle's up to these days, and more importantly, how he's spelling things. (Tenessa)

—Consider someone as far to the left of the current GOP candidates as George W. Bush. (Jameson)

—Make Keith Olbermann's new show a Season Pass on their TiVo. (Brandon)

—Sex outside of the missionary position. (Mike)

—Nominate a cardboard cut-out of a generic, fortyish white guy in a suit, with a credit card swiper for donations and a sign around his neck that reads "NO!" (Jameson)

—Two words: Zombie Eisenhower. (Joe)

—Three words: Strongly worded tweet. (Joe)

—Murder a puppy. Is that what you want, Chris Christie? To watch them murder a puppy? (Jameson)

—Mate Rick Santorum and Ron Paul just to see what comes out of it. (Most likely some kind of unholy fish-man, but still more electable than Rick Perry.) (Brandon)

—Convince themselves that America would be a lot better if it was more like the nation's 8th most popular pizza chain. (Mike)

—"Discover" an additional golden plate of Mormon edicts, which prevents Mormons from holding elected office if they're over 60, were born in Detroit, and have a name that rhymes with "Ritt Momney". (Jameson)

—No butt stuff. Well, okay, maybe a little butt stuff. (Brandon)

—Vote for a black guy, a woman, or a fat guy. (Mike)

—Slap a fake mustache on Newt Gingrich and take their chances. (Jameson)

—Watch five minutes of Whitney. With the sound on. Yes, they're that desperate. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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