POOP READING
Dec 14, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2010

Other Products Being Launched by Celebrities

—Radiohead's OK Computers (Tenessa)

Surprises Found in the New George W. Bush Memoir

—During his first three years at Yale, he pronounced it Y'all. (Matt)

Additional Changes Being Made to Barnes & Noble Stores

—"History" section to be abolished, because how do you know? Were you there? (Joe)

Activities That Are Still Not Recommended During Pregnancy

—Swallowing a tiny Batman costume in the hope that the baby will come out wearing it. (Brandon)

Ways to Pass the Time While Trapped in an Underground Mine

—Better get used to masturbating in front of a bunch of dudes. Yeah, that's right, "get used to" it. (Mike)

Activities That Are Still Not Recommended During Pregnancy

—Mouthing off to Ike Turner. (Jameson)

Other Products Being Launched by Celebrities

—Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back Hair Remover (Matt)

Surprises Found in the New George W. Bush Memoir

—Remains confused by the concept of sobriety, and since his 40th birthday, has not consumed a beverage of any kind. (Joe)

Other Things the Pope Says It's Okay to Do Now

—Spank it to a mental picture of God with really huge knockers. (Brandon)

Ways to Pass the Time While Trapped in an Underground Mine

—Training yourself NOT to, in the heat of the moment, long after your rescue, say "Oh yeah? Well, I wish I was back in the mine!" to your wife. (Mike)

Additional Airport Security Measures Being Planned by the TSA

—Any time a security breach is detected and a TSA checkpoint suspects a passenger may have brought contraband onto a plane that's already in flight, that plane will be immediately crashed into a building. (Jameson)

Halloween Activities That Sound Like Sexual Euphemisms

—Sticking your hand in a kid's pumpkin to give him a Butterfinger. (Tenessa)

Other Things the Pope Says It's Okay to Do Now

—Watch TV shows with strong female leads. (Matt)

Ways the Democrats Plan to Win Back the American Public

—Not by letting us smoke some pot, that's for damn sure. Thanks for nothing, California! (Joe)

Additional Changes Being Made to Barnes & Noble Stores

—Entire new section consisting solely of books Stephen King dictated while writing other books. (Brandon)

Additional Airport Security Measures Being Planned by the TSA

—When checking your ID, screeners will mutter "Osama says what?" really fast. Piece of advice – don't say "What?" (Mike)

Other Products Being Launched by Celebrities

—Larry Hagman's Gentle Reminder of Larry Hagman's Existence (Jameson)

Surprises Found in the New George W. Bush Memoir

—Actually cares deeply about eight specific black people, whom he declines to name. (Joe)

Additional Changes Being Made to Barnes & Noble Stores

—New room where you can watch a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters in an attempt to recreate the works of William Shatner. (Brandon)

Ways the Democrats Plan to Win Back the American Public

—They could try not stepping on their own dicks once in a while. That might work. (Tenessa)

Other Things the Pope Says It's Okay to Do Now

—Worship Jesus's half-brother, Larry Christ. (Matt)

Ways to Pass the Time While Trapped in an Underground Mine

—Um, mining? I don't want to sound like a dick, but if you've got all the tools, and you're already down there with not much else to do during regular work hours... (Joe)

Surprises Found in the New George W. Bush Memoir

—For a former President, he sure uses the phrase "screwed the pooch" a lot. (Brandon)

Additional Airport Security Measures Being Planned by the TSA

—If you head to the bathroom less than 30 minutes before your flight is scheduled to take off, the TSA is gonna have to watch you poop. (Mike)

Other Things the Pope Says It's Okay to Do Now

—Do it "Pope-style" (same as missionary, but with an enormous, gilded hat). (Jameson)

Surprises Found in the New George W. Bush Memoir

—Was quick to propose to Laura when they were dating because he was concerned he'd gotten her "butt pregnant." (Matt)

Other Products Being Launched by Celebrities

—Mel Gibson's Ethnic See n' Say (Brandon)

Additional Changes Being Made to Barnes & Noble Stores

—Magazine section to be moved right inside the men's restroom, just to make it that much easier on everybody. (Joe)

Additional Airport Security Measures Being Planned by the TSA

—Passengers will now have to take a drink or bite of every liquid, gel, article of clothing, magazine, writing utensil, newspaper, laptop, cell phone, and carry-on bag to demonstrate that they are not poisonous or explosive. (Mike)

Surprises Found in the New George W. Bush Memoir

—Before presenting any visiting dignitary or head of state with some sort of ceremonial gift, he'd always rub his balls on it. (Joe)

Additional Changes Being Made to Barnes & Noble Stores

—Customers will receive a free digital copy of everything they buy, including pastries. What?? (Brandon)

Additional Airport Security Measures Being Planned by the TSA

—Grounding all air transportation. From now on, passengers will buy plane tickets, arrive at the airport three hours early, be photographed, X-rayed, fondled, strip-searched, waterboarded, and then sent home. (Jameson)

Other Products Being Launched by Celebrities

—"Secretly a Douchebag," the New Fragrance from Lance Armstrong (Joe)

Activities That Are Still Not Recommended During Pregnancy

—Sleeping on your back. Or on your front. Or on your left side. Or on your right side. If you could sort of prop yourself up on your knees with only your forehead touching the pillow, that would really be best for the baby. (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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