POOP READING
Feb 1, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: December 2010-January 2011

Unusual Weather Events on Tap for 2011

—Massive "douche cloud" over the New Jersey shore. (Joe)

Reasons Your Film Was Not Nominated for Best Picture

—You forgot to take the filter out of the camera, so every single scene has that "looking through binoculars" effect over it. (Jameson)

Surprising Things Found in the Pockets of Your Winter Coat

—David Blaine. Fuckin' show-off. (Brandon)

Unusual Weather Events on Tap for 2011

—The massive shit storm that's going to hit my house when the wife finds out I spent $2,700 on Jumanji movie memorabilia. (Matt)

Additional Contract Demands Being Made by Derek Jeter

—Wants to be assisted by a secondary shortstop who will cover ground balls that he feels are "extra bouncy" or "too far away." (Mike)

Surprising Things Found in the Pockets of Your Winter Coat

—A receipt from Baby Gap. You don't even have a baby. You don't even know a baby. (Tenessa)

Pros and Cons of Being Time Magazine's Person of the Year

—The first paragraph of your Christmas letter to friends and family pretty much writes itself. (Joe)

Actions That Will Put You on Santa's Naughty List

—Having your tweet read aloud on CNN. (Jameson)

Surprising Things Found in the Pockets of Your Winter Coat

—A hole large enough to slip your hand through, and a vague memory of attending a WNBA game while drunk. (Brandon)

New Year's Resolutions That You've Already Broken

—To stop calling your husband's frumpy penis his "Tom Bosley" as a show of respect to Bosley's recent death. (Matt)

Pros and Cons of Being Time Magazine's Person of the Year

—Hitler was once Time's Man of the Year. That's right. You and Hitler won the same award. (Mike)

Actions That Will Put You on Santa's Naughty List

—Setting out fucking Snackwells instead of some real damn cookies. (Tenessa)

Reasons Your Film Was Not Nominated for Best Picture

—Who names their movie Swimmin' Doggy Superhero, Hurray!, for chrissakes?? (Brandon)

Memorable Moments from 2010 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—The Pentagon spends a year asking soldiers whether it would be a big deal if that guy in the unit who everyone knows is gay told people he's gay. Congress voted on it, so now the Pentagon will spend a year figuring out the best way for that guy to say he's gay. (Jameson)

New Year's Resolutions That You've Already Broken

—To stop caring so much about the Minnesota Vikings, those goddamn miserable bastards. (Joe)

Actions That Will Put You on Santa's Naughty List

—Wearing a top hat and cane around your office, and then doing that thing where you push up the tip of your hat right before you're going to lean in and say something "important" to your co-worker. (Matt)

Pros and Cons of Being Time Magazine's Person of the Year

—Too easy for jerks to say "Yeah, right... more like Person of the Queer." (Brandon)

Additional Contract Demands Being Made by Derek Jeter

—Would like confirmation about whether the rumors he's heard about getting a "Kruk Job" are true. (Mike)

Pros and Cons of Being Time Magazine's Person of the Year

—Inadvertently outs you as a person to that family of wolves who raised you as one of their own. (Joe)

Surprising Things Found in the Pockets of Your Winter Coat

—The heart pills that might've saved Grandpa. (Jameson)

Actions That Will Put You on Santa's Naughty List

—Doing an impression of Gary Sinise. I mean, come on... why even bother? (Brandon)

Surprising Things Found in the Pockets of Your Winter Coat

—Your children's letters to Santa that you kept meaning to throw in the garbage. (Matt)

Pros and Cons of Being Time Magazine's Person of the Year

—Wherever you go, people are staring at you and quietly thinking "it should have been Louis C.K." (Tenessa)

Actions That Will Put You on Santa's Naughty List

—Having sex through a window. (Brandon)

Reasons Your Film Was Not Nominated for Best Picture

—Too much fartsy, not enough artsy. (Matt)

New Year's Resolutions That You've Already Broken

—To finish at least one meal in a restaurant without barging into the kitchen and announcing, "That's not how Angelo would do it on Top Chef!" (Joe)

Unusual Weather Events on Tap for 2011

—Several days of golf ball-sized hail at The Masters in April will result in 72 holes-in-one, causing the PGA to award the green jacket to Jesus. (Brandon)

Actions That Will Put You on Santa's Naughty List

—Farting on your wife's teeth. (Matt)

Pros and Cons of Being Time Magazine's Person of the Year

—People incessantly asking you what time it is all year. (Jameson)

Additional Contract Demands Being Made by Derek Jeter

—Yankee Stadium loudspeaker must broadcast a sexy female voice saying "Ooo, Derek!" every time he touches second base. (Brandon)

Surprising Things Found in the Pockets of Your Winter Coat

—A wocket. An honest-to-goodness, goddamn wocket in your pocket. (Mike)

New Year's Resolutions That You've Already Broken

—Not looking at your boss' boobs. Not looking at your boss' boobs. Not looking at your boss' boobs... shit! (Matt)

Surprising Things Found in the Pockets of Your Winter Coat

—A pocket Bible signed by Henry Winkler?? What the...?? (Brandon)

Reasons Your Film Was Not Nominated for Best Picture

—No holocaust stuff. Duh. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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