POOP READING
Mar 28, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2011

Other Surprising Facts Found in the 2010 U.S. Census Data

—An alarming 40% of Americans now cite "Twilight" as their religion. (Jameson)

Ways Your Cell Phone is Affecting Your Brain

—Anytime someone talks to you, you respond only by saying "DROID" in a creepy, machine-like voice. (Mike)

Things Charlie Sheen Has Learned in Rehab

—Found out that he never actually pitched for the Cleveland Indians; that was just a movie. (Joe)

Other Things Dogs Can Detect By Smell

—Can they tell if these pants are still clean enough to wear to work? 'Cause I don't feel like walking all the way down to the basement. (Tenessa)

Signs You Got Drunker Than You Realized on St. Patrick's Day

—It's impossible to be sure, but all of the bread crumbs and mayonnaise under your covers probably means you either made a sandwich in bed or "made it" with a sandwich in bed. (Matt)

Reasons Americans Are Fatter Than Canadians

—Look at their bacon, now look at our bacon. See the difference? (Sean)

Things Charlie Sheen Has Learned in Rehab

—Just because he dunks his penis into a glass of scotch and makes slurping noises doesn't mean it's actually drinking the scotch. (Brandon)

Things Emilio Estevez Has Been Up To Lately

—Funding and conducting scientific research toward the goal of one day making ducks even mightier. (Joe)

Reasons Americans Are Fatter Than Canadians

—Until you've federally trademarked a term like "wyngz" for "chicken wings that aren't made from chicken wings," you haven't really committed to fattening up your populace. (Jameson)

Other Things Dogs Can Detect By Smell

—I'm not sure if dogs can detect this, but my wife knows if I just turned on the water in the sink and stood there without using any soap after I take a shit. (Mike)

Signs You Got Drunker Than You Realized on St. Patrick's Day

—Someone shaved off your ironic green mustache and glued it to your ironic green penis. (Tenessa)

Ways Your Cell Phone is Affecting Your Brain

—You told your mom that you thought John McCain has spectacular tits. (Matt)

Things Americans Were Paying Attention To While That Whole Egypt Thing Was Going On

—Come on, have you seen the new Nissan Juke? It's like a sports car that's also an SUV that's also a bike! (Brandon)

Other Things Dogs Can Detect By Smell

—Who "dealt" it. (Though according to the legally binding statutes regarding "He who smelt it," the dog will still get blamed.) (Joe)

Other Surprising Facts Found in the 2010 U.S. Census Data

—17% of Americans listed "Doritos" as their occupation. (Jameson)

Things Charlie Sheen Has Learned in Rehab

—You'd have to freebase three crushed-up bowls of Special K cereal to equal the nutritional high of just one line of whole grain Total. (Matt)

Ways Your Cell Phone is Affecting Your Brain

—Lately you've found yourself wanting to have more fun, while simultaneously wanting to Wang less Chung. (Joe)

Signs You Got Drunker Than You Realized on St. Patrick's Day

—You find yourself on the state sex offender registry and the "do not serve" list at TCBY. (Jameson)

Reasons Americans Are Fatter Than Canadians

—Wanting to be as American as apple pie, most Americans consume 3 to 4 apples, a couple sticks of butter, a fistful of sugar and a sack of flour every day in hopes of simply becoming an apple pie. (Matt)

Ways Your Cell Phone is Affecting Your Brain

—Reverses magnetic field in your cerebral cortex, causing left-brained people to become right-brained and vice versa. This really wreaks havoc for Americans who have rented a car in England. (Mike)

Other Things Dogs Can Detect By Smell

—Republican lawmakers reportedly have one that can tell whether someone was really raped, or just "sort of, but, you know, not really" raped. (Tenessa)

Other Surprising Facts Found in the 2010 U.S. Census Data

—One in five people have a guy in their neighborhood named Jimmy who "knows how to get things." (Brandon)

Reasons Americans Are Fatter Than Canadians

—Fat Canadian babies are almost immediately devoured by bears. (Joe)

Signs You Got Drunker Than You Realized on St. Patrick's Day

—The paternity suit on your front door has taught you more than you ever wanted to know about the viability of human-cockatiel interbreeding. (Jameson)

Things Emilio Estevez Has Been Up To Lately

—Frequent visits to the chiropractor as a result of a substantial increase of hanging head in shame. (Sean)

Ways Your Cell Phone is Affecting Your Brain

—You've pulled your children out of school and are now teaching them an alternate version of modern U.S. history based on reruns of The West Wing. (Joe)

Signs You Got Drunker Than You Realized on St. Patrick's Day

—You picked The University of Claire in Accounting is a Bitch to win your office NCAA bracket pool. (Mike)

Other Things Dogs Can Detect By Smell

—My husband's sheer joy when he sees a ninja. (Tenessa)

Things Charlie Sheen Has Learned in Rehab

—If he were to come up with an additional half-man and a baby, he could have a hit movie in addition to a hit TV show. (Joe)

Reasons Americans Are Fatter Than Canadians

—We've made far more scientific advances in the field of stuffing food inside of other food. (Brandon)

Other Surprising Facts Found in the 2010 U.S. Census Data

—26% of the country now describes itself as "American-American," with 50% of that population adding "dammit!" in the margin beside it. (Jameson)

Reasons Americans Are Fatter Than Canadians

—Canada doesn't have a "the South." (Joe)

Things Charlie Sheen Has Learned in Rehab

—"Getting a family pet" isn't a euphemism for taking the wife and kids to a brothel. (Matt)

Other Surprising Facts Found in the 2010 U.S. Census Data

—Nobody "doesn't watch TV;" that's just pretentious bullshit. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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