POOP READING
May 30, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2011

Lesser-Known Kama Sutra Positions

—The Elements of Style (Jameson)

Things Overheard at the Royal Wedding

—"I'm surprised Prince William is letting the media cover this event, since they killed his mom and all." (Joe)

Unfinished Items on Osama bin Laden's Bucket List

—Open a chain of Osama bin Laundries. (Matt)

Bad Prom Themes

—Dance Like No One Is Watching... Well, Except for Gábor, the Weird Hungarian Night Janitor (Brandon)

Additional Changes AMC Wanted to Make to Mad Men

—Special episode in which the staff of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce meets the Harlem Globetrotters. (Mike)

Family Feud Questions That Failed to Get 100 Survey Responses

—Other Than Masturbating, Name Something College Guys Do in Their Dorm Rooms (Tenessa)

Unfinished Items on Osama bin Laden's Bucket List

—Only got to #3 on his goal of re-enacting Egypt's biblical plagues. Who knew bulk frogs were so expensive? (Sean)

New Slogans for the Obama Reelection Campaign

—President Barack Obama: Think of Him as an Alternative to the GOP Alternative to President Barack Obama (Joe)

Bad Prom Themes

—Secret Prom We Don't Tell the Litigious Lesbian Girl About (Jameson)

Reasons You Won't Be Getting Raptured

—On several occasions you've made love to a box of townhouse crackers. (Matt)

Lesser-Known Kama Sutra Positions

—Filling Out U.S. Small Business Administration Form 4-I: Lender's Application for Guaranty or Participation (Brandon)

Things Overheard at the Royal Wedding

—"Can anyone spot the ugly, already-married woman who William really wants to marry?" (Mike)

Bad Prom Themes

—Daddy Daughter Night (Tenessa)

Additional Changes AMC Wanted to Make to Mad Men

—Enough of this "past" bullshit – have next season be set in the future! (Joe)

New Slogans for the Obama Reelection Campaign

—Compromise and Capitulation We Can Rationalize (If You'll Just Hear Us Out) (Jameson)

Things to Look Forward to in a Trump Presidency

—His morning routine of walking past every past President's portrait and saying "You're fired!" (Matt)

Family Feud Questions That Failed to Get 100 Survey Responses

—Name a Film in Which Lee Horsley Bangs a Muppet (Brandon)

Bad Prom Themes

—Show Me Your Birth Certificate, Then Show Me Your Tits! (Mike)

Unfinished Items on Osama bin Laden's Bucket List

—Use a baby seal to kill a human baby, then feed both to another human baby. (Tenessa)

Things Overheard at the Royal Wedding

—"Wow... so much horse poop." (Joe)

Reasons You Won't Be Getting Raptured

—coughJew!cough (Jameson)

Bad Prom Themes

—May I Have This Dance... Leotard I Found? (Matt)

Reasons You Won't Be Getting Raptured

—Too morbidly obese to properly ascend. (Brandon)

Additional Changes AMC Wanted to Make to Mad Men

—Peggy Olson's name should be changed to Peggy Molson. Then, she should meet and marry a character named Jerry Ice, and choose to hyphenate her last name. (Mike)

Family Feud Questions That Failed to Get 100 Survey Responses

—Why Do Bitches Gotta Front? (Tenessa)

Bad Prom Themes

—No Black People Music, and Home By 8:30 (Joe)

Things Overheard at the Royal Wedding

—"Somebody tweet this!" (Jameson)

Unfinished Items on Osama bin Laden's Bucket List

—To kill Americans' hope the proper way: by winning a Congressional seat and then doing nothing for four years. (Matt)

Additional Changes AMC Wanted to Make to Mad Men

—Focus less on 1960s advertising executives, more on good-looking middle-aged people who use science to investigate and solve crimes. (Joe)

Bad Prom Themes

—The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (Brandon)

New Slogans for the Obama Reelection Campaign

—Speaker Boehner Should Not Be the Only Person of Color in Government (Mike)

Unfinished Items on Osama bin Laden's Bucket List

—Invite his favorite band – Bananarama – to play a month-long holy event he was planning called "Bananaramadan." (Joe)

Reasons You Won't Be Getting Raptured

—You ate some unleavened bread once as a joke, but I don't hear Jesus laughing now. (Matt)

Lesser-Known Kama Sutra Positions

—The Gingrich Whale Thrust (optional variation to leer at secretary you will later marry) (Mike)

Things Overheard at the Royal Wedding

—"Her Majesty wishes to dance to Strokin' by Clarence Carter." (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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