POOP READING
Jun 29, 2012

The city of Stockton, CA filed for bankruptcy this week, making it the largest American city ever to do so. And many economists are warning that other large U.S. cities could be next. In fact, the warning signs may already be there...

Signs That Your City Is Going Bankrupt

—Parking meters charge $10,000 a minute. (Mike)

—Main Street is now a toll road. (Brandon)

—Next to the 1/16 scale lego reproduction of City Hall in the lobby, there is now a 1/16 scale man on his knees with his pockets turned out, head in hands, sobbing. (Matt)

—Your football stadium is named after a penny someone found. (Jameson)

—Town council has taken to inventing several new tree-themed holidays throughout the year because there's no money in the budget to take down Christmas decorations. (Joe)

—Public voted to sell the city attorney in exchange for macaroni and applesauce. (Tenessa)

—Your city's name is now "Brought to You By Target." (Dan)

—All of the city's parks have been turned into landfills for Jennifer Lopez's old clothing. (Matt)

—The mayor's cat is answering the phones at City Hall. (Jameson)

—Rebranding of local sewage treatment lagoons as "Mystery Water Fun Pavilions". (Mike)

—Fire department is now just a gang of roving monkeys armed with Super Soakers. (Brandon)

—City comptroller has been spotted taking cash in exchange for quick, no-eye-contact hand jobs in the alley behind McDonald's. (Joe)

—The annual fireworks show is now one guy with a flashlight who makes explosion sound effects with his mouth. (Jameson)

—The local Staples receives so little business that they now carry only staples, which most people use as currency. (Matt)

—Instead of "Parks and Rec," you have a department called "Gutters and Rape." (Tenessa)

—Your city no longer has the official position of Ombudsman because when officials were asked to justify the expense, they were forced to admit that nobody knows what that is. (Dan)

—The new police force is made up entirely of Confederate soldiers from a Civil War reenactment troop. (Matt)

—The airport has been on fire for, like, days. (Jameson)

—The city seal is a painting depicting the vultures that are constantly circling overhead. (Brandon)

—The town baseball team was renamed The Foreclosures. (Matt)

—Not only has trash service stopped, garbage men are now bringing trash to your curb. (Jameson)

—City Manager? Don King (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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