POOP READING
Aug 6, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2011

Least Popular Breakfast Cereals

—Harvey Keitel's Bad Lieutenant Cereal (Jameson)

Changes Being Made to Pro Football in the Wake of the New NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement

—In a baffling and inexplicable move, league has decided that footballs used during the game will be dangerously hot to the touch. (Brandon)

Other Changes Being Made to Facebook

—Upon request, will digitally remove boyfriends, husbands, and other family members from photos of female high school and college friends so you can masturbate to them more easily. (Joe)

Other Reasons for Sending Someone a Picture of Your Cock

—It's missing. (Mike)

Little-Known Facts About the GOP Presidential Candidates

—A call girl once paid Tim Pawlenty $50 to stop having sex because she was so bored. (Matt)

Things That Might Happen if the U.S. Fails to Solve Its Debt Ceiling Crisis

—We'll have to melt the Liberty Bell to make more guns. MORE GUNS! (Tenessa)

Other Reasons People Hate the Miami Heat

—It's not the Heat, it's the goddamn Miami Humidity! (Jameson)

Things That Might Happen if the U.S. Fails to Solve Its Debt Ceiling Crisis

—Instead of a Social Security check, senior citizens will be sent a signed photo of President Obama shrugging with his empty pockets turned inside out, and a small box of Charleston Chews. (Brandon)

Little-Known Facts About the GOP Presidential Candidates

—Whenever Mitt Romney sends anybody a picture of his cock, it's always wearing a little tie. (Joe)

Film Critic Complaints About Transformers: Dark of the Moon

—New physically-challenged Decepticon played by Daniel Day-Lewis is an obvious Oscar grab. (Mike)

Rejected Crayola Colors

—Pad Thai Vomit (Matt)

Other Reasons People Hate the Miami Heat

—I hate everything with even the loosest ties to Gloria Estefan. (Tenessa)

Other Reasons for Sending Someone a Picture of Your Cock

—Part of your job application for a "morning zoo" radio show. (Jameson)

Little-Known Facts About the GOP Presidential Candidates

—During his term in office, Tim Pawlenty appeared in several obscure adult films under the name "Governor Tim Plenty." (Joe)

Other Changes Being Made to Facebook

—You can totally show your boobs and stuff. (Tenessa)

Things That Might Happen if the U.S. Fails to Solve Its Debt Ceiling Crisis

—A gallon of gas will cost a gallon of blood. (Jameson)

Rejected Crayola Colors

—Burnt Sienna Miller (Brandon)

Changes Being Made to Pro Football in the Wake of the New NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement

—Teams may go an extra $5 million over the salary cap to pay their "dreamiest" player (a provision pushed for mostly by the Jets and quarterback Mark Sanchez). (Joe)

Other Reasons People Hate the Miami Heat

—In many cases, it's because Chris Bosh killed their mom. (Mike)

Little-Known Facts About the GOP Presidential Candidates

—While Jon Huntsman has never admitted to actually hunting man, he has also never been able to give a reasonable explain for the exorbitant amount of human hair in his stool. (Matt)

Rejected Crayola Colors

—Kardashian Skin (Tenessa)

Least Popular Breakfast Cereals

—Honey Bunches of Unwashed Walnut Husks (Jameson)

Things That Might Happen if the U.S. Fails to Solve Its Debt Ceiling Crisis

—Poor families will have no choice but to form human centipedes to save money on food. (Brandon)

Rejected Crayola Colors

—Secret Muslim Brown (Joe)

Changes Being Made to Pro Football in the Wake of the New NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement

—In an attempt to poach fans from NASCAR, anytime there's a hard hit, the players involved will burst into flames. (Jameson)

Other Reasons People Hate the Miami Heat

—Not a one of those bastards has a Rue McClanahan tattoo. Show some fucking respect. (Mike)

Other Reasons for Sending Someone a Picture of Your Cock

—Words just couldn't convey how excited you were about completing your first New York Times crossword. (Matt)

Film Critic Complaints About Transformers: Dark of the Moon

—When the Transformers change from their machine shapes to their humanoid shapes during the film's most climactic battle scene, pieces of them fall off and get lost under the couch. (Tenessa)

Little-Known Facts About the GOP Presidential Candidates

—Rick Santorum has never masturbated; Mitt Romney has never not masturbated. (Jameson)

Least Popular Breakfast Cereals

—Jay Len-O's (Joe)

Film Critic Complaints About Transformers: Dark of the Moon

—The promotional fast food cup gave away 80% of the plot. (Jameson)

Other Changes Being Made to Facebook

—They still won't install a "dislike" button, but they did add a "meh" option. (Tenessa)

Things That Might Happen if the U.S. Fails to Solve Its Debt Ceiling Crisis

—Well, nothing's going to happen to rich people's money, that's for sure. (Jameson)

Other Reasons for Sending Someone a Picture of Your Cock

—That's the official way to ask a Kardashian to marry you. (Tenessa)

Rejected Crayola Colors

—Tim Salmon (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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