POOP READING
Aug 17, 2012

Last week, GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney selected Representative Paul Ryan of Wisconsin to be his running mate in the 2012 election. Prior to that, many Americans had never heard of the seven-term Congressman, but with the media spotlight now shining on him, new revelations about Ryan are bound to come to light...

Little-Known Facts About Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan

—Mixed up Ayn Rand and Ann B. Davis at an early age, and has been crediting the wrong one with shaping his political views ever since. (Jameson)

—As a man who believes deeply in the tenets of individual responsibility, he always loudly calls out his own farts, even the silent ones. (Mike)

—If elected, he would be the youngest Vice President since Dan Quayle, and the dreamiest Vice President since John C. Breckenridge. (Joe)

—His go-to sex move is punching a chick in the heart. (Brandon)

—He was conceived backstage at a taping of Tic-Tac-Dough. (Tenessa)

—Prefers Shaq's rapping to his basketball playing. (Dan)

—Even before getting married and having children, Ryan was known as a "Family Man" because he could be hired to perform sex acts at family reunions. (Matt)

—In a bid to secure his right-wing bona fides, once proposed eradicating the capital gains tax for unborn fetuses. (Jameson)

—In deference to Ron Paul and Meg Ryan, considers himself to actually have two last names. (Mike)

—Like most Wisconsinites, he can (and often does) eat his own weight in cheese. (Joe)

—Cannot tell the difference between a duck and a hibachi. (Brandon)

—Always exclaims "Gosh!" when climaxing. (Dan)

—Chaired and co-founded the House Subcommittee on Spanking It to a Picture of Coretta Scott King. (Jameson)

—He follows his philosophy so carefully that he has never changed one of his children's diapers, claiming they needed to "learn to do it for themselves." (Mike)

—Is extremely passive-aggressive with the team that puts together his campaign commercials, which always end with "I'm Paul Ryan, and... (heavy sigh) I suppose I don't disapprove of this message." (Joe)

—Secretly really is a secret Muslim, unlike that faker Obama. (Brandon)

—Once bought a jet ski for a hooker. (Jameson)

—Prefers to pee while sitting on Bob Costas. (Mike)

—A staunch Second Amendment advocate, he actually signs each piece of legislation by shooting his name in bullet holes on the dotted line from twenty paces. (Joe)

—He puts his pants on both legs at a time, just to be a dick. (Dan)

—In his high school, "driving the Wienermobile" didn't mean what the press thinks it does. (Jameson)

—Secretly hates how natives say "Wis-GON-sin" instead of "Wis-CON-sin." (Mike)

—The kids at McKinley High are devastated that he gave up coaching their glee club to run for Vice President. (Joe)

—Was the 2009 recipient of the National Association of Manufacturers Award for Manufacturing National Associations. (Brandon)

—Can't bring himself to poop when in a blue state. (Mike)

—His name can be unscrambled to read "Ryan Paul". (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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