POOP READING
Oct 10, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2011

New Mottos for the U.S. in Light of the Credit Downgrade

—We're Pretty Sure We Can Gay-Marriage Our Way Out of This (Joe)

Rejected Pilots for the 2011 Fall TV Season

—Lt. Dr. Rick Fiero, Esq., the Doctor Cop Who's Also a Lawyer! (Jameson)

Ways Life Might Be Better Under the Rule of Apes

—Apes don't care who you marry, so long as their sexual orifice is properly red and swollen when you attempt to mate with them. (Brandon)

Special Features of Ground Force One

—An original oil painting of Alex Rodriguez spanking it to a picture of Coretta Scott King. (Matt)

Rejected Pilots for the 2011 Fall TV Season

—The Comedy Central Roast of 9/11 First Responders (Mike)

New Mottos for the U.S. in Light of the Credit Downgrade

—E Pluribus Dumdum (Tenessa)

Other Side Effects Michele Bachmann Claims Are Caused by the HPV Vaccine

—Smuggler's blues. (Joe)

Other Amazing Things That Happened on the Last Night of the MLB Regular Season

—One a them crawdads in my fried seafood basket was actually TWO crawdads stuck together! (Jameson)

Least Popular Super Powers

—Strength of Terence Trent D'Arby. (Brandon)

Things NBA Players Can Do to Pass the Time During the Lockout

—Reach stuff for people. (Joe)

Rejected Pilots for the 2011 Fall TV Season

—The Science of Boobs (Matt)

Least Popular Super Powers

—No matter how much you poop, it's always a one-wiper. (Mike)

Other Side Effects Michele Bachmann Claims Are Caused by the HPV Vaccine

—Salty stuff no longer tastes salty, or, in 1% of cases, now tastes way too salty. (Joe)

Ways Life Might Be Better Under the Rule of Apes

—No more hot, expensive trips to the zoo every time you want to see a monkey wanking it. (Jameson)

Special Features of Ground Force One

—Tuesday is Sloppy Joe night! (Brandon)

Other Things You Shouldn't Do After Labor Day

—Wear white meat (Lady Gaga only). (Joe)

New Mottos for the U.S. in Light of the Credit Downgrade

—How Much Would You Consider Paying for a Statue of Liberty Handjob? (Matt)

Other Amazing Things That Happened on the Last Night of the MLB Regular Season

—Red Sox fans took their team's epic collapse in stride, reasoning that their city has had a great sports run over the last decade. (Mike)

Rejected Pilots for the 2011 Fall TV Season

—Gay Guys Who Speak In Quiet, Indistinct Voices and Never Say Anything Outrageous (Joe)

Least Popular Super Powers

—An unyielding ability to deny the realities of climate change. (Jameson)

Other Things You Shouldn't Do After Labor Day

—Fling a banjo into a river. (Brandon)

Things NBA Players Can Do to Pass the Time During the Lockout

—Spend some quality time with their kids, and their kids' moms. (Joe)

Special Features of Ground Force One

—Engine runs on rich people's hard-earned wages while the tailpipe spews out food stamps and welfare checks. (Jameson)

Other Amazing Things That Happened on the Last Night of the MLB Regular Season

—A grand slam hit by San Diego's Max Venable was only credited for two runs because, ehh, it's the fuckin' Padres, you know? (Brandon)

Other Side Effects Michele Bachmann Claims Are Caused by the HPV Vaccine

—You will die... (cough)sometime within the next 100 years(cough). (Matt)

Things NBA Players Can Do to Pass the Time During the Lockout

—Well, that weed clearly isn't going to smoke itself. (Mike)

Other Side Effects Michele Bachmann Claims Are Caused by the HPV Vaccine

—Complete inability to hold a big halftime lead (Minnesota Vikings only). (Joe)

Rejected Pilots for the 2011 Fall TV Season

—Wilfred Brimley's Die-uh-beet-uhs Roundup (Mike)

Least Popular Super Powers

—Ability to spot undocumented surveying errors. (Brandon)

Other Things You Shouldn't Do After Labor Day

—Make love to a white woman (Matt)

Other Amazing Things That Happened on the Last Night of the MLB Regular Season

—A man holding a poster saying "ZERO TAXES" realized he drove to the rally on public streets with public traffic lights and public police protection and was educated to spell both "zero" and "taxes" correctly in a public school. (Mike)

Ways Life Might Be Better Under the Rule of Apes

—Wedding vows would contain the phrase "you may now fling the poop." (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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