POOP READING
Feb 6, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: December 2011-January 2012

Other Baby Names Considered By Beyoncé and Jay-Z

—Smallie Biggs (Mike)

Items on Your Holiday Wish List That You Won't Be Receiving

—A Victorian Era blow job? What does that even mean?? (Brandon)

Other Ways Mark Wahlberg Would Have Changed History If Only He'd Been There

—Would have literally cockblocked the bullet that killed Martin Luther King, Jr. (Matt)

Memorable Moments from 2011 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—President Obama orders the death of Osama bin Laden, but Republicans successfully convince Americans that Obama married bin Laden instead. In the butt. Like a GAY! (Tenessa)

Signs That Rick Santorum's Strong Showing in Iowa Is Going to His Head

—In speeches, he's now basically daring software companies to send cyborg killing machines back in time from the future to try and prevent him from becoming president. (Joe)

Other Celebrities Who Have Been Kicked Off of Planes

—John Lithgow [screaming about something on the wing] (Jameson)

Other Ways God Has Helped Tim Tebow

—When Tebow buys an assortment pack of Hershey miniature candy bars, God slips in a few extra Krackels. (Mike)

Surprising Moments From President Obama's State of the Union Address

—Unlike last year, not one utterance of the phrase "boner honer". (Brandon)

Items on Your Holiday Wish List That You Won't Be Receiving

—A reply from President Obama to your letter about what you assumed to be a shared interest in dressing up ferrets as the Rolling Stones. (Matt)

Signs That You're Too Obsessed With Black Friday

—When peeing your pants didn't convince the JCPenney clerk to let you in early to use the bathroom, you peed his pants. (Tenessa)

Other Ways Mark Wahlberg Would Have Changed History If Only He'd Been There

—Try fifteen commandments! (Joe)

Other Ways God Has Helped Tim Tebow

—Ever been at a salad bar and had to wait around for the croutons to be restocked? Not Tim Tebow. (Jameson)

Signs That Rick Santorum's Strong Showing in Iowa Is Going to His Head

—Concluding that the third person is not enough, he is now referring to himself in the seventh-person, the super-hetero subjunctive. (Mike)

Other Celebrities Who Have Been Kicked Off of Planes

—Antonio Banderas [tried to have sex with an air sickness bag – bag was later determined to actually be Melanie Griffith] (Brandon)

Other Ways God Has Helped Tim Tebow

—By teaching him Tebowing, which God originally perfected as a way to discreetly poop in the midst of a large group. (Matt)

Surprising Moments From President Obama's State of the Union Address

—I found it a little strange when the President stopped to microwave a plate of nachos. (Tenessa)

Memorable Moments from 2011 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Without explanation, the state of Montana officially changes its motto to "If Momma Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy." (Joe)

Other Celebrities Who Have Been Kicked Off of Planes

—Donald Trump [insisted on bringing his private jet onboard] (Jameson)

Signs That Rick Santorum's Strong Showing in Iowa Is Going to His Head

—No longer holds in his farts when meeting with sick children. (Mike)

Other Ways Mark Wahlberg Would Have Changed History If Only He'd Been There

—He heard that Isaac Newton died a virgin. I mean, come on, the guy at least deserved a hand job. (Brandon)

Signs That You're Too Obsessed With Black Friday

—You got hired at Target so you could work on Thanksgiving Day and then quit at 11:59pm that night in order to be in the store a minute before the other customers. (Matt)

Signs That Rick Santorum's Strong Showing in Iowa Is Going to His Head

—At a campaign stop in Virginia, he attempted to buy slaves. (Tenessa)

Other Ways Mark Wahlberg Would Have Changed History If Only He'd Been There

—If he'd gone to school with Elton John, Elton John wouldn't have turned into such a queeah. (Joe)

Signs That You're Too Obsessed With Black Friday

—Remember that really sad and uncomfortable scene in the car from Boogie Nights? Yeah, well, you just did that in a Costco parking lot for a vat of C batteries. (Mike)

Other Ways God Has Helped Tim Tebow

—Changed Tebow's reproductive system so that instead of ejaculating semen, his penis releases a stream of quoted Bible verses, thus allowing him to masturbate and spread the gospel at the same time. (Brandon)

Signs That Rick Santorum's Strong Showing in Iowa Is Going to His Head

—He double dips his chips without fear of reprisal. (Matt)

Other Ways Mark Wahlberg Would Have Changed History If Only He'd Been There

—You know those stories that just aren't that enjoyable because "you had to be there"? Mark Wahlberg would have been there. (Jameson)

Items on Your Holiday Wish List That You Won't Be Receiving

—Some fucking peace and quiet for five minutes. Just FIVE minutes! SHUT UP! JESUS! (Mike)

Surprising Moments From President Obama's State of the Union Address

—Was that a cutaway shot of Senator Chuck Grassley breastfeeding a duck? (Brandon)

Other Ways God Has Helped Tim Tebow

—He's now able to spiral cut the shit out of a ham. (Matt)

Other Baby Names Considered By Beyoncé and Jay-Z

—Wharrgarbl Alexiss (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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