POOP READING
Jun 5, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2012

Lesser-Known Diseases That Are on the Rise

—Whooping queef (Matt)

Least Popular Films at the Cannes Film Festival

—Mars 2025: The Robottening (Jameson)

Things That Modern Science Cannot Explain

—Why we need both Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman. (Joe)

Questions Asked of Tax Professionals at Filing Time

—"Are you a Charles Grodin in Midnight Run sort of accountant, or more of a Charles Grodin in Dave type accountant?" (Brandon)

New Ways That Scott Pelley Could Sign Off the CBS Evening News

—Say "And that's the way it is... for liberals" followed by evil laughter as they go to commercial. (Mike)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Feature Editors Could Try to Run a Few Months From Now

—After Public Humiliation, Wang Struggles to Get Straightened Out (Brad)

Questions Asked of Tax Professionals at Filing Time

—"Can I write off a gravy boat? What about a regular boat? How about a yacht? Let me be straight with you: I have a gravy yacht, and you can borrow it for a week if you can figure out how to hide it from the IRS." (Tenessa)

New Mottos for the U.S. Secret Service

—"No Secret Shirt, No Secret Shoes, No Secret Service" (Joe)

Other "Oops Moments" Rick Perry Says God Will Forgive

—Punching what you thought was Steven Tyler, but turns out it was a horse. (Brandon)

Lesser-Known Diseases That Are on the Rise

—Involuntary Arsenio Hall arm (Matt)

Questions Asked of Tax Professionals at Filing Time

—"My cats and robots and I have seceded from America and live on an elevated platform in the St. Lawrence Seaway. We don't recognize the taxing authority of the U.S. government. How do I go about retrieving all that money that was withheld from my paychecks?" (Jameson)

New Mottos for the U.S. Secret Service

—"Hired Guns Who Hire Gals with Huge Guns" (Tenessa)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Feature Editors Could Try to Run a Few Months From Now

—Sleazy Wang Leaves Bad Taste in Washingtonians' Mouths (Joe)

Least Popular Films at the Cannes Film Festival

—A Midsummer Night's Dream... of Tits! (Brandon)

Things That Modern Science Cannot Explain

—Why, in a world where Dick Cheney supports gay marriage and George W. Bush supports civil unions, Mitt Romney supports neither. (Mike)

New Ways That Scott Pelley Could Sign Off the CBS Evening News

—"What up, news? Looks like I just made you my bitch again!" (Matt)

Lesser-Known Diseases That Are on the Rise

—Strep ass (Joe)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Feature Editors Could Try to Run a Few Months From Now

—Ex-Manager Girardi Always Thought There Was Something Not Quite Right About Wang Marriage (Brandon)

Other "Oops Moments" Rick Perry Says God Will Forgive

—Running over a famous bear. (Jameson)

Least Popular Films at the Cannes Film Festival

—Jackass VII: In the Butt (Tenessa)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Feature Editors Could Try to Run a Few Months From Now

—Washington Manager Johnson Hopes to Rub Off on Wang (Joe)

Questions Asked of Tax Professionals at Filing Time

—"Don't you hate Form 1120, Schedule O: Consent Plan and Apportionment Schedule for a Controlled Group?" (Brandon)

New Ways That Scott Pelley Could Sign Off the CBS Evening News

—Wave as he takes the fake stairs behind his desk down to the "News Cave". (Matt)

Lesser-Known Diseases That Are on the Rise

—Restless cock syndrome (Jameson)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Feature Editors Could Try to Run a Few Months From Now

—Nats GM Rizzo Says Wang Grew After Enduring Rough Treatment (Tenessa)

Questions Asked of Tax Professionals at Filing Time

—"Apropos of nothing, do you think 'Business Ideas, LLC' sounds like the name of a made-up company?" (Joe)

New Ways That Scott Pelley Could Sign Off the CBS Evening News

—"Whoooo lawdy, that sho was INTerestin'! Night, y'all! (Brandon)

New Mottos for the U.S. Secret Service

—"The Money's on the Dresser" (Mike)

Things That Modern Science Cannot Explain

—In men's restrooms with no paper towel dispensers, how is the trash always still at least half full with paper towels? (Joe)

New Mottos for the U.S. Secret Service

—"Puttin' Hits on Spectacular Tits" (Matt)

New Ways That Scott Pelley Could Sign Off the CBS Evening News

—"I'm Scott Pelley and I'm on TV, Aunt Carolyn, so suck it." (Joe)

Questions Asked of Tax Professionals at Filing Time

—"Are Funyuns still deductible, or did Obama fuck that up, too?" (Jameson)

Least Popular Films at the Cannes Film Festival

—National Lampoon's Boob University (Joe)

Lesser-Known Diseases That Are on the Rise

—Multiple Sklarosis (instead of seeing just two Sklar brothers, you see anywhere from 3 to 137) (Brandon)

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Feature Editors Could Try to Run a Few Months From Now

—Most Nationals Fans Don't Care About Marital Troubles as Long as Wang Continues to Perform (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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