Poop Reading - Surprising Things the NSA Has Learned from Spying on Americans

CATEGORIES

Jun 14, 2013

This week it was revealed that the United States National Security Agency has been running a clandestine electronic surveillance program known as PRISM that collects data from the customers of participating corporations, including American citizens. The data collected by PRISM includes email, video and voice chat, videos, photos, voice over IP conversations, file transfers, login notifications and social networking details. The NSA has mainly been fishing for leads on terrorism, but they discovered some unexpected information in the process...

Surprising Things the NSA Has Learned from Spying on Americans

—Most Americans don't care about spying, unless you're spying about guns. (Dan)

—There's more toothbrush porn out there than you'd ever imagine. (Tenessa)

—At any given moment, fully one-third of the phone conversations in this country are about ranch dressing. (Brandon)

—Tim Tebow only counts as a virgin by the thinnest of definitions, as he technically has never put his penis inside the vagina of a human female. (Joe)

—What happens in Coral Gables, Florida, NEVER stays in Coral Gables, Florida. (Matt)

—People sure talk a lot about what a bitch their mom is. (Mike)

—The correlation between Kentucky and Google searches for tranny porn is staggering. (Jameson)

—Anthony Weiner sent that exact same photo to every American woman between the ages of 18 and 70. It's funny nobody mentioned it. (Tenessa)

—The most oft-boffed celebrity in games of Marry, Boff, Kill? The dog from Frasier. (Brandon)

—No matter what they say, every American eats his or her boogers. It just doesn't make any sense not to. (Joe)

—Every day, at least one person uses the words egg salad, robot, and masturbate in the same sentence. (Matt)

—Despite his being one if the best hitters AND one of the best catchers in baseball, Minnesotans seem to hate Joe Mauer. (Mike)

—If you're forced to spend your work day staring at a large number of cock pics, you will eventually begin seeing Jesus in some of them. (Jameson)

—Ladies do NOT, in fact, love Cool James. (Tenessa)

—The phrase "spanking it to a picture of Coretta Scott King" has popped up on their radar with enough frequency to warrant an FBI task force investigation into whether it's Al-Qaeda code for something. (Brandon)

—85% of all Americans sing along to "Les Miz" at the top of their lungs while they're driving, so don't let your buddies keep making fun of that one time Alan caught you doing it at a stoplight. (Joe)

—The FBI gets 27 calls a day from people turning in family members for removing their mattress tags. (Mike)

—So little terrorism, so many crotch shots. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner