POOP READING
Aug 14, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2012

Secrets Hidden in Mitt Romney's Unreleased Tax Returns

—For tax purposes, his legal next of kin is his driveway. (Jameson)

Signs That Americans' Heads Are Growing Too Large

—It used to be that when a goose landed on somebody's head, people would notice. (Matt)

Surprises Found in the Octomom Porn Film

—Every single scene is interrupted by one of her kids asking for a Gogurt. (Tenessa)

Lesser-Known Rhyming Aphorisms

—"Classy homes have nice amenities, classy broads give head to Kennedys." (Joe)

Neighborhood Complaints About Your Behavior on Independence Day

—You didn't really seem to be THAT into America. Like you had someplace else you'd rather be. (Dan)

Secrets Hidden in Mitt Romney's Unreleased Tax Returns

—Has a long history of successfully deducting meals at Taco Bell as "gambling losses". (Brandon)

Signs That Your City Is Going Bankrupt

—Rebranding of local sewage treatment lagoons as "Mystery Water Fun Pavilions". (Mike)

Least Popular Superheroes

—Sergeant Sorkinspeak (Jameson)

Least Popular Father's Day Gifts

—A blandjob: it's not quite a blowjob, it's not quite a handjob, but it sure does go on for a long time. (Matt)

Other Things People Might Do While High on "Bath Salts"

—Go even further, by also taking "bed salts" and "beyond salts". (Joe)

Least Popular Superheroes

—The Hulk Who Only Gets Angry Over Perceived Slights Aimed at Country Music Superstar Kenny Chesney (Brandon)

Neighborhood Complaints About Your Behavior on Independence Day

—After every explosion of fireworks, you screamed "YEAH! Take that, France!" (Dan)

Signs That Your City Is Going Bankrupt

—Your football stadium is named after a penny someone found. (Jameson)

Secrets Hidden in Mitt Romney's Unreleased Tax Returns

—In addition to the undisclosed millions he has placed in accounts in the Cayman Islands, also invested $1,000 in an account in the Gayman Islands because he was "curious". (Matt)

Surprises Found in the Octomom Porn Film

—First time we've ever seen the guy in a porn movie sporting a thousand-yard stare and clearly fighting back tears. (Joe)

Least Popular Father's Day Gifts

—K-Y Debilitate, the lubricant that reduces pleasure while also shrinking your genitals! (Brandon)

Neighborhood Complaints About Your Behavior on Independence Day

—Your teenage daughter's bikini is not revealing enough. In a related complaint, your thirty-something stepson's bikini is far too revealing. (Jameson)

Least Popular Superheroes

—The Enunciator (Matt)

Least Popular Father's Day Gifts

—Andy Dick's new cologne. (Marketing slogan: "Smell Like A. Dick".) (Joe)

Least Popular Superheroes

—Catman Scrothers, as portrayed by Scatman Crothers (Brandon)

Secrets Hidden in Mitt Romney's Unreleased Tax Returns

—Millions in research and development expenses to see if he could put an escalator inside his home's elevator. (Dan)

Surprises Found in the Octomom Porn Film

—Oddly starts off with a clip of Mitt Romney proclaiming "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message." (Joe)

Signs That Your City Is Going Bankrupt

—Fire department is now just a gang of roving monkeys armed with Super Soakers. (Brandon)

Neighborhood Complaints About Your Behavior on Independence Day

—You insisted on distributing one Higgs Boson as a party favor to each guest at your annual picnic, and their combined energy tore the universe in half and also knocked over Mrs. D'Angelini's mailbox. (Jameson)

Least Popular Father's Day Gifts

—A painting commemorating that time the whole family tried falafels. [SHUDDER] (Matt)

Lesser-Known Rhyming Aphorisms

—"You could violate a kid with a can of Sterno, and still mum's the word for Joe Paterno." (Joe)

Surprises Found in the Octomom Porn Film

—Much-hyped "octojob" sex act is just a handjob done with no thumbs. (Brandon)

Least Popular Father's Day Gifts

—A hooker dressed up as his dead wife. (Jameson)

Signs That Your City Is Going Bankrupt

—Next to the 1/16 scale lego reproduction of City Hall in the lobby, there is now a 1/16 scale man on his knees with his pockets turned out, head in hands, sobbing. (Matt)

Neighborhood Complaints About Your Behavior on Independence Day

—"Grilling up some dogs" is generally understood to be nothing more than a figure of speech. (Joe)

Least Popular Father's Day Gifts

—Tickets to see Peter Wolf and Wolf Blitzer in Law & Order creator Dick Wolf's Broadway revival of the TV show Airwolf. (Brandon)

Surprises Found in the Octomom Porn Film

—It's narrated by Morgan Freeman. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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