POOP READING
Nov 6, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2012

Little-Known Facts About Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan

—Prefers Shaq's rapping to his basketball playing. (Dan)

Other Things That Can Be Attributed to Invisible Obama

—Directs all of Tim Tebow's passes into the ground. (Mike)

Pros and Cons of Being Jesus' Wife

—He always talks about how much he hates Jerusalem, but when that Messiah opportunity opened up in Atlanta, he didn't even apply! (Matt)

Rejected Pilots for the 2012 Fall TV Season

—Here Come Da Judge! (Starring Judge Reinhold as "Nathaniel Doctor", who is an accountant.) (Brandon)

Other Things That Can Be Attributed to Invisible Obama

—Hasn't had to waste valuable time sitting for an official White House portrait like those lame visible presidents. (Joe)

Rejected Summer Olympic Events

—Wrestling with Your Own Mortality (Tenessa)

Little-Known Facts About Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan

—Mixed up Ayn Rand and Ann B. Davis at an early age, and has been crediting the wrong one with shaping his political views ever since. (Jameson)

Perks Conceded to the NFL Referees in Order to Get Them Back to Work

—Head referee will now be allowed to take a drag off a cigarette to add a dramatic pause to his penalty announcements. (Matt)

Ways That McDonald's Plans to Rejuvenate Their Business

—By invading Poland. (Dan)

Rejected Summer Olympic Events

—400 Meter Self-Pleasuring Medley (Mike)

Other "Facts" Rep. Todd Akin Would Like to Share With You

—"Look, the thing most people don't know is that there are three settings on the human penis: impregnate, do not impregnate, and baptize." (Brandon)

Pros and Cons of Being Jesus' Wife

—No matter how frustrated you get with the in-laws, you can't badmouth his dad. Not just because it's impolite, but because it's actually one of the Ten Commandments. (Joe)

Pros and Cons of Dressing Up as Bigfoot

—Ever since that "smells like Bigfoot's dick!" crack in Anchorman, it's been impossible to get a blowjob. (Matt)

Little-Known Facts About Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan

—He puts his pants on both legs at a time, just to be a dick. (Dan)

Ways That McDonald's Plans to Rejuvenate Their Business

—Grimace to "accidentally" release a sex tape. (Mike)

Other Things That Can Be Attributed to Invisible Obama

—Nocturnal emissions. (Brandon)

Rejected Summer Olympic Events

—200 Meter Saunter (Joe)

Pros and Cons of Being Jesus' Wife

—The only thing he's well-endowed with is the Holy Spirit. :( (Matt)

Rejected Pilots for the 2012 Fall TV Season

—Jerry Seinfeld Wants It Made, But With His Limited Involvement (Mike)

Perks Conceded to the NFL Referees in Order to Get Them Back to Work

—Ed Hochuli gets paid triple the salary of a normal referee because, name another referee. (Dan)

Little-Known Facts About Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan

—His go-to sex move is punching a chick in the heart. (Brandon)

Other "Facts" Rep. Todd Akin Would Like to Share With You

—"'Dark Side of the Moon' syncs up perfectly with any movie if you get baked enough." (Joe)

Pros and Cons of Dressing Up as Bigfoot

—Sometimes another girl at the prom is wearing the same Bigfoot outfit. (Jameson)

Other Things That Can Be Attributed to Invisible Obama

—Personally haunted Clint Eastwood to the brink of insanity in the weeks leading up to the RNC. (Matt)

Ways That McDonald's Plans to Rejuvenate Their Business

—They're thinking about maybe trying some advertising or perhaps even a movie tie-in promotion. (Dan)

Pros and Cons of Being Jesus' Wife

—Everybody thinks your married last name is Christ, but unfortunately, it's actually Pubetrain. (Brandon)

Other Things That Can Be Attributed to Invisible Obama

—Hilarious new Cinemax sex farce Invisible President/Ladies' Locker Room Resident, coming this fall. (Joe)

Other "Facts" Rep. Todd Akin Would Like to Share With You

—"Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper, but my friend Dr. Ted Pepper tastes more like a creamy saline solution." (Matt)

Pros and Cons of Being Jesus' Wife

—Always having to pretend to like his crappy carpentry. (Dan)

Other Things That Can Be Attributed to Invisible Obama

—Prevents me from masturbating because I know he could be watching. (Mike)

Ways That McDonald's Plans to Rejuvenate Their Business

—By brazenly selling In-N-Out burgers that they haven't even bothered to repackage. (Matt)

Rejected Pilots for the 2012 Fall TV Season

—You've Got Jazz Hands! (Brandon)

Little-Known Facts About Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan

—If elected, he would be the youngest Vice President since Dan Quayle, and the dreamiest Vice President since John C. Breckenridge. (Joe)

Rejected Summer Olympic Events

—End Table Tennis (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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