POOP READING
Nov 8, 2013

This week, after months of denials following accusations and rumors of video evidence, Toronto mayor Rob Ford admitted to smoking crack cocaine, saying it was "probably in one of my drunken stupors". As a result, cities everywhere are in a panic that their mayor could be hiding a similar drug problem...

Signs That Your City's Mayor Might Be Smoking Crack

—He bet the city budget on the Vikings to win the Super Bowl. (Mike)

—Most of your city's infrastructure is now at the pawn shop. (Dan)

—Fired everyone from the City Council, replaced them with guys named Deezer and The Wyzzrd. (Jameson)

—Honest to God, I'm pretty sure I saw him Indiana Jones some dude's heart after he lost a game of H-O-R-S-E in the park. (Matt)

—Genuinely believes that the Obamacare website will be fixed in time to sign enough people up to keep the entire operation from collapsing. (Joe)

—He has a Michele Bachmann pillowcase. (Tenessa)

—At his most recent press conference, he stripped down to just his socks while eating raw ground beef from a waffle cone and yelling about a plan to increase taxes on the bugs living under his skin. (Brandon)

—On several occasions, you've heard her ask if she can pay for her groceries with handjobs. (Matt)

—He and the Police Commissioner keep showing up for parties in a Donzi speedboat, even for parties that are held inland. (Jameson)

—Appears in a disproportionately large number of Norm Macdonald punchlines. (Joe)

—Typical casual Friday outfit is just an assless loin cloth. (Matt)

—Dedicated thirty new shopping centers in a single day. (Jameson)

—Recently diverted funding away from the new park building and toward an unexplained shipment of 40 pounds of baking soda. (Tenessa)

—Once, during a speech about the zoning commission, she went on an eight-minute tangent about how difficult it is to say Jalalabad. (Matt)

—City ordinance requiring all crack dealers to submit their personal cell number to the mayor's office. (Jameson)

—Must be smoking something to consider herself a Charlotte when she's so obviously a Miranda. (Joe)

—Talks about the cost of everything in terms of its value in dime bags. (Matt)

—Recently married a fire hydrant. (Jameson)

—His main negotiating tactic is offering to suck his opponent's cock... even when said opponent is a woman. (Brandon)

—When discussing crime issues, he always ends a thought about a particular offense by saying, "...which is totally worse than smoking crack." (Matt)

—Nothing's for certain, but his mom says he's been hanging around with a new group of friends, and they seem like they're up to no good. (Jameson)

—He is a huge Leno fan. (Dan)

—Keeps claiming that he once watched Christian Ponder outduel Robert Griffin III in a nationally televised NFL game. (Joe)

—Reporters had to interrupt his 36-hour screaming sprint through the woods just to get him to issue a public denial. (Matt)

—You are currently watching video of your mayor smoking crack. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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