POOP READING
Dec 26, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2012

Least Popular Sexy Halloween Costumes

—50 Shades of Redd Foxx (Tenessa)

Other Things Undecided Voters Can't Decide

—Which of two equidistant cheeseburgers to eat. (The leading cause of starvation deaths in Ohio.) (Jameson)

Surprising Moments from the 2012 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Senate candidates Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, when asked to identify a vagina in a book full of miscellaneous pictures, respectively point to a coffee urn and a painting of a majestic winged lion. (Brandon)

Least Popular Board Games

—Guess Whom: The Game of Technically Correct But Unbearably Pretentious Public Grammar Correction (Joe)

Least Popular Sexy Halloween Costumes

—Obama's Birth Certificate, Now with Tits! (Dan)

Additional New York Jets Complaints About Tim Tebow

—Team was under the impression that if they had Tebow on their roster, Peyton Manning would show up to replace him. (Mike)

Least Popular Board Games

—Fuck You, Larry! (Matt)

Other Names Considered Before Settling on the Term "Fiscal Cliff"

—Fiscal Norm (NORM!) (Brandon)

Things Overheard at the First Presidential Debate

—"A black guy and a Mormon, huh? Boy, if Thomas Jefferson could see this, he'd be all like, 'Please, for the love of God, let me die! I'm 269 years old and trapped without end in this broken and decrepit shell of a body! What unholy curse has befallen me, that I must suffer in this manner??'" (Joe)

Surprising Moments from the 2012 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Mitt Romney opens his Republican National Convention speech by saying, "Where my bitches at?" (Mike)

Changes That Will Be Made to the Star Wars Franchise Under Disney

—Yoda to do weekly appearances on SportsCenter making NFL picks as "Yodstradamus". (Matt)

Least Popular Board Games

—Connect 872 (Tenessa)

Least Popular Sexy Halloween Costumes

—Pantsless, Partially Tumescent Jerry Lewis After a Couple of Scotches (Brandon)

Other Things Undecided Voters Can't Decide

—Whether the 2012 Arizona Cardinals are, in fact, contenders or pretenders. (Joe)

Things Overheard at the First Presidential Debate

—"I'd like to bet $50 million dollars on Mitt Romney winning tonight's debate. My name? Uhhh, Orack Babama." (Mike)

Changes That Will Be Made to the Star Wars Franchise Under Disney

—Crossover movie where Jar Jar Binks and Mater from Cars become best friends, which will almost certainly lead to a spike in murder-suicides. (Matt)

Additional New York Jets Complaints About Tim Tebow

—Constantly whining that he can't throw passes in New York's thick, sea level air. (Jameson)

Least Popular Board Games

—Trivial Pursuit: Straight-Up Honky Edition (Brandon)

Things Overheard at the First Presidential Debate

—"No, Governor Romney, I don't want to go back to your hotel room to 'check out the size of the overnight bump in your poll'." (Joe)

Other Names Considered Before Settling on the Term "Fiscal Cliff"

—Natural Consequences That We All Knew Were Coming Because of the Previous Budget Agreement (Mike)

Additional New York Jets Complaints About Tim Tebow

—Named his fists Bartholomew and James (son of Alphaeus), when everybody knows those are the two lamest of the twelve disciples. (Matt)

Other Things Undecided Voters Can't Decide

—Whether or not the "Is This Anything?" segment on Late Show with David Letterman is anything. (Dan)

Least Popular Sexy Halloween Costumes

—Dick in a Box, But the Box is Nowhere Near Your Crotch (Brandon)

Least Popular Board Games

—Scrabble: All Vowels (Joe)

Things Overheard at the First Presidential Debate

—"I don't see why the things I've been saying for the last 12 months should bind me to the things I am going to say tonight." (Mike)

Surprising Moments from the 2012 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Running out of money, lacking proper support, and unwilling to continue a campaign under such uncertain conditions, Michele Bachmann is stunned to discover that she has become pro-choice. (Tenessa)

Surprising Moments from the 2012 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Voters in Colorado and Washington agree to legalize forcing ducks to anchor news programs at gunpoint. (Brandon)

Least Popular Sexy Halloween Costumes

—Stalinda (that's where one half of you is dressed like Joseph Stalin, and the other half is dressed like a 1970s-era Linda Ronstadt) (Joe)

Surprising Moments from the 2012 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—During the third debate, an on-air fact check debunks Mitt Romney's claim that room temperature Snickers are superior to frozen Snickers. (Mike)

Additional New York Jets Complaints About Tim Tebow

—Two years as an NFL quarterback, and he hasn't date raped ANYBODY! (Dan)

Things Overheard at the First Presidential Debate

—"THAT'S President Obama?? I thought that was Don Cheadle!" (Brandon)

Things Overheard at the First Presidential Debate

—"THAT'S Governor Romney?? I thought that was Don Cheadle!" (Jameson)

Other Names Considered Before Settling on the Term "Fiscal Cliff"

—The Grover Norquist Titty Twist (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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