POOP READING
Oct 3, 2014

Last week, a knife-wielding intruder hopped the fence outside of the White House and made it all the way into the residence, finally being stopped outside of the East Room. This was contrary to initial reports, where the Secret Service claimed the intruder was stopped just inside the front door. And that's not the only bit of misinformation the Secret Service would like to clarify...

Other Things the Secret Service Would Like to Clear Up Regarding the White House Intruder

—The guards at the door weren't actually "resting their eyes." (Dan)

—This was not a promotional bit for the launch of a new TLC reality show called Gainin' Entry. (Jameson)

—The intruder was not a Predator, and did not kill Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura before coming to the White House. (Brandon)

—Breaking into the White House residence to try to see the president is not the only way to get health insurance under Obamacare. (Joe)

—In the confusion that followed the breach of the White House grounds, Secret Service agents did not hit Santa Claus with "friendly fire". (Mike)

—The White House intruder is not dating Kate Upton. (Jameson)

—At no point did anyone scream "Sic semper Tyrannosaurus rex!" (Brandon)

—The intruder was not "disgruntled." If anything, he was overly gruntled. (Joe)

—Previous reports of a "White House Break-In" app were erroneous. (Jameson)

—The incident was not "a textbook example of how quickly our country is going to shit now that Derek Jeter has retired." (Joe)

—It was not just Hollywood filming a scene from White House Down 2 Business. Also, that movie does not exist. (Dan)

—Like most ridiculous plans with little chance of success, the intruder's strategy was devised by Kansas City Royals manager Ned Yost. (Joe)

—While we did see The Equalizer this weekend, and while it was "totally boss", this information had no place in our earlier press conference regarding the intruder, and should be ignored. (Jameson)

—The term "White House intruder" is not a code word for "ebola". (Brandon)

—No, President Obama's border policy has not become this permissive. (Joe)

—He never got anywhere near the real White House, which... you know what? Forget we said anything. There's only one White House. There's also only one "sea level". Disregard anything you've heard. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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