POOP READING
Apr 17, 2015

This week, Hillary Clinton officially announced her candidacy for President of the United States in the 2016 election. If she were to be elected, her husband, former President Bill Clinton, would become the first First Gentleman in White House history. What could we potentially expect from this gender twist on a familiar role?

Pros and Cons of Becoming the First First Gentleman in White House History

—Constantly having your flabby arms compared to Michelle Obama's. (Mike)

—Ability to advance your personal cause, Merkins for the Military. (Matt)

—Get to pick any two states and change their official quarter to just two small concentric circles in the middle, so when you put those quarters next to each other it looks like boobs. (Joe)

—Everyone will talk constantly about every aspect of every outfit you wear to every public event– oh wait no, it's just another tuxedo. (Tenessa)

—Use of "Gentleman" in the title means your days of sitting around in your boxers while eating a hot pocket and screaming obscenities at televised jai alai are likely numbered. (Brandon)

—Easy to share Venezuelan hookers with the Secret Service. (Jameson)

—Short bathroom line at all First Ladies & First Gentlemen reunion events. (Mike)

—Senators and congressmen constantly making the "whuu-CHHHH" whipped noise under their breath when you pass them in the hallway. (Joe)

—Best chance you'll ever have to see if you can get the bolo tie to catch on nationwide. (Brandon)

—Ample time to jack off to those nude portraits of Grover Cleveland in the Roosevelt Room. (Matt)

—Racks and racks of inaugural ball gowns to choose from. (Mike)

—Get to be the first guy to bang the president. (Well, the first guy to bang the president vaginally; the 579th guy to bang the president overall. Chester Arthur's rabbit hole goes down awfully deep, you guys.) (Joe)

—A 215-year-old house = never-ending Honey Do List. (Brandon)

—Get to do an Evolution of Dad Dances feature with Jimmy Fallon. (Mike)

—The pride that comes with breaking the last glass ceiling in America. We did it, fellas! (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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