POOP READING
Nov 13, 2015

The idea of traveling back in time to kill Hitler has been around forever, but recently, it's been making the rounds in the news and on social media. So the Huffington Post asked GOP Presidential candidate Jeb Bush if he would go back and kill Hitler as a baby, and Bush responded, “Hell yeah, I would! You gotta step up, man.” Assuming that the technology existed – and, while we're cooking up wild hypotheticals, imagining that Baby Hitler could talk – how would that confrontation play out?

Things Overheard During a Time-Travel-Aided Confrontation Between Jeb Bush and Baby Hitler

—"Which one are you, Bill or Ted?" (Joe)

—"I'll spare your life if you promise to travel forward in time to kill Baby Trump and Baby Carson." (Brandon)

—"I have two rules I live by: no punching babies and no trans fats. I'm gonna break one of those rules today." (Matt)

—"If you do this, you'll be killing the direct cause of the greatest economic expansion in your country's history. How's that gonna play with voters?" (Mike)

—"Ooh, is that the new iPhone?" (Jameson)

—"How do you say 'Mission Accomplished' in German, bitch?" (Tenessa)

—"You know what? I'll come back when you're a teenager. All teenagers are horrible; this'll be a lot easier then." (Joe)

—"Hey you! Yeah, you, the guy who lacks a commanding, Presidential-esque presence! Get away from my baby!" (Brandon)

—"If I were to play Fuck, Marry, Kill with you, Churchill, and Stalin, guess which one you'd be?" (Matt)

—"Listen, kid, stuff happens. Stuff like suffocation!" (Mike)

—"Man this is the last time I let myself doze off eating jalapeño poppers and channel surfing between The Triumph of the Will and Muppet Babies..." (Jameson)

—"I've been through this before and spoiler alert: a guy who's smart enough not to invade Russia in the dead of winter ends up leading the Third Reich, and Germany totally wins. But by all means, go right ahead..." (Joe)

—"My poopy diapers have more personality than you." (Matt)

—"I'm doing this so my parents will be able to name me Adolf instead of Jeb; I hate the name Jeb!" (Mike)

—"I gotta say, the mustache looks even creepier on you as a baby." (Jameson)

—"Well, dear, it appears that a drunken Jeb Bush is beating our manger scene baby Jesus with a wingtip while screaming 'Die, Hitler, die!'. I'll get the hose." (Brandon)

—"Yeah, no; seriously. A black guy." (Joe)

—"I'll tell you what, that Donald Trump's immigration policy kind of sounds like an idea that I've been kicking around in my head." (Matt)

—"Time to put up or shut up with your pro-life bona fides, man." (Jameson)

—"Hasta la vista, baby." (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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