Jan 22, 2016

—Douglas Trump, Dwight Trump, Earl Trump… (she's just going through the phone book). (Jameson)

—Shouting "Good golly, Miss Molly!" every time you bite into an apple. (Matt)

—Bryl, Baby, Bryl: The brylcreem for babies! (Mike)

—Naming children after whatever happens to be directly in your line of sight at the exact moment your water breaks: Track, Willow, Piper, Stovetop, Pigeon, Mustard, Ceiling, Etc. (if you happened to be walking into a Light Bulbs Etc. store). (Brandon)

—Writing "he who smelt it, dealt it" into the U.S. legal code. (Joe)

—Putting ketchup on steak. (Tenessa)

—Lizard-shaving. (Jameson)

—Stealing John McCain's Depends on Tex-Mex day at the congressional cafeteria. (Matt)

—Belittling community organizers, those stupid fucknuts. Way to care about your community, fucknuts! (Brandon)

—Dip-shittin', girl-hittin' sons. (Mike)

—That the Packers suck. (Joe)

—Wrasslin' with this here goat! (Brandon)

—Purple camouflage. (Tenessa)

—Oxycotin. No, OxiClean. Or is it OxicotinClean? Whatever that product is that you can get high on while cleaning. (Matt)

—Todd Palin discreetly inserting his erect penis into random loaves of bread at the grocery store. (Brandon)

—Anything and anyone who'll put her on TV. (Jameson)

—A lifestyle devoted to calm, quiet introspection. (Matt)

—Killdozer! (1974), starring Robert Urich and a possessed bulldozer. (Brandon)

—Quitting. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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