Poop Reading - 2016 NFL Picks

2016 NFL Picks - Week 5

by Joe Mulder

I've been busy and I'll be honest with you: I'm going to blow through these and post it mainly so I can say I didn't miss a week.

Last week: 9-6

Overall: 23-22-1

THURSDAY NIGHT:

Cardinals (-3) @ 49ers

I straight-up forgot to pick this game at all. I remembered it was happening in time to take John Brown out of my fantasy lineup, thank goodness, but not in time to tweet a pick.

SUNDAY EARLY:

Bears @ COLTS (-4.5)

What do you do with this one? Everybody on the Bears is hurt, everybody on the Colts is bad.

Redskins @ RAVENS (-4)

I should probably take the road teams in each of these first two games since they're getting more than three. But I won't.

Jets @ STEELERS (-7)

You've got undefeated teams out there quarterbacked by no-names (Broncos), rookies (Eagles), and retreads (Vikings), and then you've got Ryan Fitzpatrick and the 1-3 Jets, who basically ended back up together after a contract stalemate this summer in one of those "if neither one of us is married by the time we're 40, I guess we'll settle for each other" kind of deals.

TITANS @ Dolphins (-3.5)

"Why do people live in places they know for sure will eventually be slammed by hurricanes?," he wondered from a parcel of Southern California land that will 100% be swallowed into the depths of the earth's crust by a devastating earthquake at some point in the next few centuries.

PATRIOTS (-10) @ Browns

Not that you care about my fantasy team – I'd be a little creeped out if you did – and it's a good problem to have, but I've either got to swing a trade for one of them or I've got to agonize over whether to start Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers every week now. Going with Brady this time, just because he's back and rested up and the Patriots are something like 12453-1 following a loss in the Brady/Belichick era. It's set up for a classic "Pats take their foot off the gas in the fourth quarter and a garbage time TD gets the Browns to within single digits" situation, but I'll stick with the Pats.

Texans @ VIKINGS (-6)

Everyone on the Vikings offense is hurt. Luckily, everyone on the Vikings defense is insanely good. The old me, the guy who's spent the last 35+ years getting the shit kicked out of him by Vikings fandom, would say that this looks like a candidate for a classic letdown/look past/don't-show-up game for a Vikings team that looks like one of the league's elite but has caught the injury bug of late and has spent the last three weeks having everyone "S" its collective "D" about how great they are.

But maybe they are that great. Anyway, when they fail to cover a spread in the US Bank Stadium era, I'll consider not picking them.

EAGLES (-2.5) @ Lions

I'd worry about a similar "D's being S'ed" game for the Eagles, but they've had two weeks to prepare.

SUNDAY LATE:

Falcons @ BRONCOS (-5.5)

The Falcons might be legit. But how bad a quarterback would this Broncos team have to put out onto the field before this great defense couldn't carry them to at least the AFC title game? Oh, silly me – we know the answer to that.

Chargers @ Raiders (-4)

OVER 51 TOTAL POINTS

I'm doing something unprecedented: I'm refusing to pick this game – because who the hell knows with these two teams – and instead I'm making my official pick the over. I saw it at 51, so that's the number I'll be using. One of these teams could top it themselves. I'd say that each team's defense resembles a sieve, but then sieves would be like "Come on, bro, there's some stuff we don't let through."

BILLS @ Rams (-2.5)

The Rams can't keep winning like they have of late, it's inexplicable. Neither can the Bills, but extra neither can the Rams.

BENGALS (-1) @ Cowboys

Pump the brakes; there's a grotesquely-uniformed orange and black boulder on the tracks right as the Cowboys hype train is rounding the bend!

SUNDAY NIGHT:

Giants @ PACKERS (-7)

Heard a guy blathering on about Odell Beckham, Jr. this week, comparing him to other athletes who had problems controlling themselves on the job. He brought up Dennis Rodman, Dez Bryant, Terrell Owens and I'm sitting there like, dude, it's 2016, you've got to thrown in some white guys. Bill Laimbeer, Bill Romanowski, Kyle Turley – take you pick, but pick one or two of them. Come on, man.

MONDAY NIGHT:

Buccaneers @ PANTHERS (-4.5)

I don't think we know as I write this whether Cam Newton will play for the Panthers on Monday night, but I'm not sure it matters.

THE FISCAL FIVE

I call these games my "Fiscal Five" because they're the games I feel best about this week, and if you wager on these games and these games only then you are guaranteed to make tons of money.

[Guarantee not valid in AL, AK, AZ, AR, CA, CO, CT, DE, FL, GA, HI, ID, IL, IN, IA, KS, KY, LA, ME, MD, MA, MI, MN, MS, MO, MT, NE, NV, NH, NJ, NM, NY, NC, ND, OH, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, SD, TN, TX, UT, VT, VA, WA, WV, WI, WY, the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, the Northern Mariana Islands, on foreign soil, or in international waters]

TITANS @ Dolphins (-3.5)
Falcons @ BRONCOS (-5.5)
Chargers @ Raiders (OVER 51)
BENGALS (-1) @ Cowboys
Giants @ PACKERS (-7)

FISCAL FIVE LAST WEEK: 1-4 [yeesh]

FISCAL FIVE OVERALL: 4-11

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2016 NFL Picks - Week 5