Poop Reading - 2016 NFL Picks

2016 NFL Picks - Week 7

by Joe Mulder

Last Week: 7-6-2

Overall: 37-34-4

THURSDAY NIGHT:

Packers 26, Bears 10.

I forgot to pick this game. I pretty much forgot it was happening, and forgot to not play two fantasy wide receivers (Jordy Nelson, Cameron Meredith) in a Thursday night game. Oh well. Almost certainly would have taken the Packers too, no matter what the spread was. Coulda used that one.

I had a busy couple of days so let's blow through these just to say we didn't miss a week, hmm?

SUNDAY EARLY:

GIANTS (-3) @ Rams [in London]

I either heard a thing or read a thing this week about how offense usually travels to London but defense doesn't. Good enough for me.

SUNDAY EARLY:

RAIDERS @ Jaguars (-1)

I've made this joke several times but perhaps not on this exact website (plus it's not really even a joke): what I love about Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles is that it's impossible to say his name not in the Droopy Dog voice.

VIKINGS (-3) @ Eagles

If I weren't on a "just pick the Vikings until they lose" streak here, I'd mention that the Vikings' offensive line is their weakness and the Eagles' defensive line is their strength, that the Vikings are bound to have a bad day in the passing game at some point, that I love the Vikings picking up former number one overall draft pick Jake Long to shore up the left tackle position but I don't know how ready he'll be Sunday, and that nobody goes undefeated and this looks like as good a game as any for the Vikings to lose.

But I am on a "just pick the Vikings until they lose" streak here.

Saints @ CHIEFS (-6)
If someone tells you they're sure that the Saints are bad and that the Chiefs are good, you tell them I say they're a damned liar.

But just in case that someone is right, I'll take the Chiefs.

Redskins @ LIONS (-1.5)

I was looking up the Lions' schedule and results to make sure they were bad before I picked the Redskins – did you know the Lions are 3-3? I had to, like, triple check that. I did not realize the Lions were 3-3. Their three losses were by a combined 11 points. Their three wins were by a combined eight points. Throw in the fact that four of six Redskins games have been one-score affairs and this one promises to be close. The Redskins are on a four-game winning streak over not-so-impressive teams, but they never strike you as the kind of outfit for which such success is sustainable.

I dunno; Lions I guess.

Browns @ BENGALS (-10)

The Cavs won a title and the Indians are in the World Series; the Browns can really be as shitty as they want and nobody's going to care for a while.

BILLS (-2.5) @ Dolphins

The Bills should win this one with or without running back LeSean McCoy, who is a game time decision with a bum hammy. Although that's not particularly remarkable in and of itself; every game in NFL history has been won either with or without LeSean McCoy.

Colts @ TITANS (-3)

Tennessee might actually win this lousy division.

RAVENS @ Jets (-2.5)

Is there a different "Jets?" No? Then why are these Jets favored by 2.5 over anybody?

SUNDAY LATE:

Chargers @ FALCONS (-6)

The over/under is 55. We've talked about this: bet every Chargers over/under and retire to a mansion in Monte Carlo after the season is over, that's the plan. But since I already dodged on Chargers pick this season by taking the over instead of a team, gimme the Falcons here.

Buccaneers (-1) @ 49ERS

Not sure why I'm picking this game as though both 2013 Chip Kelly and 2013 Colin Kaepernick are involved, but there you have it.

PATRIOTS (-7.5) @ Steelers

New England keeps covering these huge spreads.

SUNDAY NIGHT:

SEAHAWKS @ Cardinals (-1.5)

I straight-up Kyle's mom-ed this line the first time I saw it. Don't get it at all. Seahawks should certainly handle the Cards here.

MONDAY NIGHT:

Texans @ BRONCOS (-8)

The team that just lost two in a row, one of them to the Chargers, is an eight-point favorite against the best team in the AFC South. That pretty much tells you what you need to know about the AFC South.

Also it's really starting to bug me that I can't figure out who I think Broncos quarterback Trevor Siemian looks like. Because, like, it's not Hayes Macarthur, but it's not not Hayes Macarthur...

THE FISCAL FIVE

I call these games my "Fiscal Five" because they're the games I feel best about this week, and if you wager on these games and these games only then you are guaranteed to make tons of money.

[Guarantee not valid in AL, AK, AZ, AR, CA, CO, CT, DE, FL, GA, HI, ID, IL, IN, IA, KS, KY, LA, ME, MD, MA, MI, MN, MS, MO, MT, NE, NV, NH, NJ, NM, NY, NC, ND, OH, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, SD, TN, TX, UT, VT, VA, WA, WV, WI, WY, the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, the Northern Mariana Islands, on foreign soil, or in international waters]

GIANTS (-3) @ Rams
Chargers @ FALCONS (-6)
PATRIOTS (-7.5) @ Steelers
SEAHAWKS @ Cardinals (-1.5)
Texans @ BRONCOS (-8)

FISCAL FIVE LAST WEEK: 2-1-2

FISCAL FIVE OVERALL: 8-14-3

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2016 NFL Picks - Week 7