Poop Reading - Surprising Moments from the 2016 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

Surprising Moments from the 2016 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Hillary Clinton's historic candidacy receives support from millions of women, who are unfortunately too busy being groped and underpaid to get around to casting a ballot for her. (Jameson)

—Donald Trump pulls off his mask to reveal that he's Elvis, who then pulls off his mask to reveal that he's Andy Kaufman. (Mike)

—Gary Johnson demonstrates a base level of acuity and knowledge that reveals him to be a viable alternative to two of the least-popular major party presidential nominees in American history. (Joe)

—Desperate to stand out amongst a crowded field of GOP primary candidates while also putting his past gaffes behind him, Rick Perry begins wearing an additional nine pairs of glasses. (Brandon)

—Debate moderators draw criticism for doing unfair things like listening to the candidates' answers. (Jameson)

—Hillary Clinton makes several visits to Wisconsin, realizing the importance of turning out the vote in Milwaukee. (Mike)

—George Pataki does an entire Republican primary debate in character as Captain Jack Sparrow from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie franchise. (Joe)

—Leaked emails reveal that the Democratic National Committee helped the Chicago Cubs win the World Series. (Brandon)

—The KKK waits until October to endorse Donald Trump, because they really want to "hear Hillary out" first. (Jameson)

—Democratic candidate Jim Webb assassinates opponent Lawrence Lessig on live TV while wearing a Superman costume and shout-singing the Katy Perry anthem "Roar", and it gets no mention in the news or on social media. (Brandon)

—Melania Trump and Michelle Obama decide to settle the whole convention speech plagiarism issue via bikini Jell-O wrestling. (The title of this list is "Surprising Moments from the 2016 Election That I Totally Wish Had Happened," right?) (Joe)

—After a grueling, all-day session, Mike Huckabee's PR team comes up with the slogan, "Huckaseeing is Huckabelieving!" and his campaign is immediately suspended. (Brandon)

—A little bird lands on Bernie Sanders's lectern, while a swarm of locusts descends upon Hillary's. (Jameson)

—Jeb Bush's logo becomes the key to unlocking a medical mystery when hospitals across the country receive victims of head trauma who are unable to say anything other than, "Jeb!" (Brandon)

—The better person wins in a landslide. (Mike)

—All of it? Please? (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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Surprising Moments from the 2016 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened