Poop Reading - Fake Hints from Heloise

CATEGORIES

Mar 24, 2017

“Fake news” continues to cloud the U.S. political landscape. During the 2016 presidential election, unverified reporting spread like wildfire through social media, sowing confusion about the candidates and their actions and associations. Once in office, President Trump has used the “fake news” label to refer to press coverage he feels is inaccurate or biased, and White House staff have followed suit. But the scourge is spreading beyond the front page, resulting in fake classifieds, fake TV listings, and even…

Fake Hints from Heloise

—If you find yourself out of lettuce for a sandwich, dryer sheets make an excellent substitute. (Brandon)

—If you're in a high profile job and doing something grossly illegal, try simply pretending you're not. A lot of times, people will just forget about it! (Jameson)

—Napkin rings and cock rings? Interchangeable. (Joe)

—You know, vodka can actually clean and disinfect, so why not empty out that spray bottle and make it two squirts for the kitchen counter, one squirt for you? (Brandon)

—Boil your VCR every night to prevent any viruses getting in that may lead to identity theft. (Jameson)

—Using a dinner fork for the salad course, while not ideal, falls short of being a faux pas. Using a salad fork for the dinner course makes you worse than Hitler. (Joe)

—Don't trust Lorraine, she's part of a cartel plotting to drug you and harvest your organs. (Brandon)

—Consult this handy guide for the best places to hide your flask at a PTA meeting. (Mike)

—Old-style, energy inefficient light bulbs can be repurposed to staunch the flow of blood from a bullet wound. (Brandon)

—A little seawater enhances the flavor of any dish, and if you're light on seawater, run some tap water over a pretzel! (Jameson)

—Use a microfiber cloth to wipe down your cat, then use the cat to wipe down the TV. (Brandon)

—Give Congress an ill-conceived ultimatum to ensure legislative success. (Mike)

—Follow these 8 simple steps to get the best popcorn from your surveillance microwave. (Jameson)

—Two in the pink, three in the stink. (Joe)

—If you have to cut a bitch, make sure to do it in a place that will leave a highly-visible scar as a warning to others. (Brandon)

—If Jay Mohr says to do it... don't do it. (Joe)

—Did you know if you tackle a grizzly bear, you can make it your slave? No more vacuuming or scrubbing toilets for you! (Jameson)

—Leaf blowers are a speedy way to dry your clothes, clean up a cluttered play room, or rid yourself of solicitors. (Brandon)

—Save your poops in Ziploc bags and never waste money on pillows again! (Jameson)

—Seven. A woodchuck would chuck seven woods if a woodchuck could chuck wood. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner