Poop Reading - Lesser-Known Provisions of the American Health Care Act

CATEGORIES

Mar 17, 2017

The Republican-controlled Congress has finally released their oft-discussed replacement for the Affordable Care Act, titled the American Health Care Act. But the proposal has not been well-received, with objections raised by AARP, the American Medical Association, and the Congressional Budget Office, whose analysis estimated that 24 million people would lose insurance coverage by 2026 under the new law. And those are just the initial reactions–wait 'til everyone gets a closer look at the fine print...

Lesser-Known Provisions of the American Health Care Act

—Coupon for 10% off a minibar purchase of $25 or more at any Trump hotel. (Jameson)

—If symptoms persist for more than two weeks, you don't have to help build the wall. (Mike)

—If you rack up $10,000 in medical bills, Trump will personally visit you to say "You're fired!" before terminating your coverage. (Brandon)

—$3 billion provision earmarked to combat March Madness. (Joe)

—Americans between 22 and 26 years old no longer covered under their parents' plans; Americans between 42 and 46 no longer allowed to attend Star Wars movies on opening night. (Jameson)

—Once you hit 75, the law requires that you be hunted for sport. (Brandon)

—If you lose coverage because of its changes, Paul Ryan is allowed to come to your house and make a smug face at you. (Jameson)

—Taint waxing for female Eastern European immigrants now heavily subsidized. (Joe)

—Doctors now required to shoot any patient with a broken ankle. (Jameson)

—90% of Americans' coverage will consist of a card that simply says, "Walk it off!" (Brandon)

—If you make more than $50 million a year, your doctor is now this guy. (Jameson)

—"He who smelt it, dealt it" now legally binding. (Joe)

—Out: abortions, IUDs, and prenatal care. In: Viagra, jowl cream, and totally undetectable toupees. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner