POOP READING
Apr 28, 2017

U.S. President Donald Trump reached the milestone of 100 days in office this week, a mark that has traditionally been used as a measuring stick for the success of a new president. And while many of Trump's accomplishments and failures have been making headlines during this period, there are a few items that slipped below the media radar...

Less Publicized Accomplishments From Trump's First 100 Days in Office

—The most false claims of any administration in history. (Mike)

—Worked with the Log Cabin Republicans to produce and stage a Vegas-style revue called "The First 100 Gays". (Joe)

—Intern blowjob count holding steady at "Ewwwwww, oh Jesus Christ! God, I'm gonna throw up!" (Jameson)

—Economy has been robust thanks to sudden, nationwide surge in sales of anxiety medication. (Brandon)

—Every single world leader moved up one place in the rankings of "Smartest World Leader". (Mike)

—Some quality social media coverage for the Mar-a-Lago property. (Jameson)

—New Trump-branded line of cologne: Bad Hombre. (Brandon)

—Millions of dollars saved at the State Department since computers, lights, and air conditioning don't need to turn on if there's nobody in the building. (Jameson)

—Well, he's sure as shit made George W. Bush look like Abraham Fucking Lincoln, hasn't he? (Brandon)

—Built a giant wall around the future of democracy. (Mike)

—Sharp reduction in the frequency of Congressional votes to repeal Obamacare. (Jameson)

—94% of men now reporting that they feel less embarrassed about how they look in slacks and a golf shirt. (Brandon)

—An unemployed coal miner in Kentucky used a two-for-one Hardee's coupon and the cashier forgot to keep the coupon, so that's something! (Jameson)

—Got us all riding on the Kush Train to Dimples Town. [SWOON] (Brandon)

—In addition to his "Coke delivery button," President Trump also has a button that, when pushed, brings a donut to Chris Christie that he is not allowed to eat. (Mike)

—Not only are corporations people, they are allowed to plead self-defense in cases where they are accused of destroying the environment. (Jameson)

—Briefly held record for longest sustained presidential fart. (Was later determined to be Steve Bannon breathing.) (Brandon)

—Has doubled his kids' productivity, now that they're burning the midnight oil as White House consultants while also running his companies in his absence. (Jameson)

—Does the fact that we're all still alive count? (Brandon)

—Shoe stores are posting record profits as Americans wear out their soles marching against new atrocities every week. (Jameson)

—Made three-and-a-half months feel like three-and-a-half years. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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