POOP READING
Aug 4, 2017

This week, White House Director of Communications Anthony Scaramucci was fired after only 10 days on the job, a tenure that included a foul-mouthed tirade to a reporter and a public feud with Chief of Staff Reince Preibus, who was fired just three days before Scaramucci. But The Mooch leaves behind a surprising productive legacy...

Noteworthy Accomplishments from Anthony Scaramucci's 10 Days in Office

—Powered through almost all of Stranger Things during his lunch breaks. (Jameson)

—Got fired before he was officially hired, making him the first time-traveling White House staffer. (Mike)

—Forced entire country to picture Steve Bannon sucking his own cock. (Brandon)

—Achieved a 100% approval rating among Long Island males between the ages of 18 and go fuck yourself! (Matt)

—Got The Emoji Movie and Atomic Blonde to flop at the box office, which – and we can't really go into as much detail here as we wish we could – was exactly what he was sent to Washington to do. (Joe M.)

—By skipping the birth of his child to watch Trump tell the national Boy Scout jamboree about a rich friend's yacht orgy, he... well, I don't have anything here other than awestruck admiration? (Mike)

—Outlasted that intern who quit after 9 days. (Brandon)

—Used his White House credentials to score a free Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger combo with an upgrade to Biggie size at the Capitol Hill Wendy's. (Matt)

—Inspired at least a dozen screenwriters to start work on pitches for HBO shows based around a character who's a thinly-veiled copy of Scaramucci. (Jameson)

—Pulled off the rare divorced/fired/publicly embarrassed trifecta that launched nearly every country music hit in the 1970s. (Mike)

—Told a guy to go #%$& his @&%#$&@ &@$# up his @#%& in the same room where Abraham Lincoln once wrote a preliminary draft of the Emancipation Proclamation. (Brandon)

—Won the First Annual White House Calzone Contest with his "Calzanthony Peppamucci Special". (Matt)

—Managed to avoid hanging out in a delivery room during childbirth—yuck! (Jameson)

—Finished his children's book, The Mooch Who Made America Great Again. (Brandon)

—Trump's approval rating dropped only two points, his best 10 days yet. (Mike)

—Sex with Martha Washington's ghost in the Lincoln bedroom. (Matt)

—Let's just say that personal friend of President Trump and all-time great QB Tom Brady won't have to worry about Ryan Tannehill leading the AFC East rival Miami Dolphins back to the playoffs this season. (Joe M.)

—Successfully avoided accidentally walking in on Trump jacking it to footage from Election Night. (Brandon)

—Not colluding with Russia. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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