POOP READING
Oct 13, 2017

This week, NBC News broke a story that President Trump had reportedly indicated to his advisors that he would like to see the U.S. increase its nuclear arsenal, expanding it back to levels not seen since the late 1960s. As with most things involving our president, the reasons for this are mostly left to speculation...

Reasons Trump Wants to Stockpile 30,000 Nuclear Weapons

—That's roughly one nuke for every 100 people who have called him a "fucking moron." (Brandon)

—What fun is it to eradicate all life on the planet if you can’t then bomb the remaining desolate hellscape for a few months? (Jameson)

—30,000 nukes go off and the radiation they provide means that he won't need to spray tan anymore. (Mike)

—[everyone sing along to the tune of "The William Tell Overture"...] Tiny cock, tiny cock, tiny cock cock cock,
Tiny cock, tiny cock, tiny cock cock cock,
Tiny cock, tiny cock, tiny cock cock cock,
Tiny coooooooooock, tiny cock cock cock (Joe M.)

—Awww, because daddy was mean to him :( (Joe W.)

—To deal with "The Puerto Rico Problem." (Matt)

—Judging by his recent comments about the stock market, he must think they'll somehow wipe out the national debt. (Brandon)

—He wants as many nuclear weapons as he can get; 30,000 is just the largest number he knows. (Jameson)

—He heard Rosie O'Donnell has 29,999 nuclear weapons. (Mike)

—Okay Mr. Green Effing Thumb, how would YOU get rid of all the gophers under the White House South Lawn? (Joe M.)

—Almost time to take revenge against Jim Mora for the Generals' 28-7 loss to the Philadelphia Stars in the 1984 USFL quarterfinals. (Joe W.)

—He needs protection for the kick ass fort he built in the Lincoln bedroom. (Matt)

—Lost 20,000 nukes to Putin in a high-stakes poker game and needs to pay up before Russian goons break his tweeting thumbs. (Brandon)

—If the women he’s sexually assaulted over the years all come forward at once, he’ll at least be able to bomb half of them. (Jameson)

—He'll be damned if he'll stand for having fewer nukes than a total 'mo like Eisenhower. (Joe M.)

—Want to be able to take out an uppity Cuban. Specifically, Mark. (Joe W.)

—Fox and Friends said it would make his hands look bigger. (Mike)

—30,000 nuclear warheads earns you a free Coke-branded backpack from the Coca-Cola Store! (Brandon)

—Needs at least 1,000 nukes per NFL team just to keep them in line. (Jameson)

—He's not nearly as rich as he claims, and he just wants to have 30,000 of something. (Joe M.)

—At this point in his presidency, can only assume it's to do something horrible to minorities. (Brandon)

—For when the microwave says your Hot Pocket will be ready in 45 seconds, but you want it now. (Jameson)

—Because her emails. (Joe W.)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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