POOP READING
Dec 1, 2017

Just in the last week alone, our esteemed President has claimed that he turned down an offer to be Time Magazine's Man of the Year, made a reference to his nicknaming Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" during a ceremony honoring World War II Navajo Code Talkers, and called for NBC to investigate Joe Scarborough for the 2001 accidental death of an intern when Scarborough was a Florida congressman. The news can barely keep up with the insane headlines Trump generates, so why not try to anticipate it instead?

Imagined Trump Headlines That Seem Totally Plausible

—Trump Accuses Dog From Frasier of Not Being U.S. Citizen (Brandon)

—White House Considers Preemptive Missile Strike on Robert Mueller (Matt)

—Latest Tax Bill Amendment to Match Inheritances Over $5 Million Dollar-for-Dollar From Federal Funds (Jameson)

—President Trump Denies Any Knowledge of Trump Presidency (Joe M.)

—Trump Claims It Was Hillary Clinton in the Access Hollywood Video (Mike)

—Breitbart: Brilliant Move to Save Upkeep By Giving Alaska Back to Russia for Free (Joe W.)

—Exhausted By Daily Tirades, White House Staff Plead with Fox and Friends to Air Reruns of Muppet Babies, the Only Thing That Calms Trump Down (Jameson)

—Trump Insists Was Winner of 1993 Best Supporting Actress Oscar for My Cousin Vinny (Brandon)

—Commander-in-Chief Rules That All Future Joint Chiefs Must Be a "10" (Matt)

—Upon Learning Obama White House Celebrated Christmas on December 25, Trump Officially Moves It to April 8 (Jameson)

—Trump Leaves Melania for Secret Service Trump Look-Alike Decoy (Joe M.)

—Trump Humps Dolphin on Live TV, Brags About It on Twitter, Later Denies Whole Thing (Mike)

—Mar-a-Lago Declared a Federal Wildlife Preserve, Will Receive $250 Billion for "Necessary Upkeep" and It Is Now Legal to Hunt Humans There (Jameson)

—Mueller Investigation Discovers Photo of Trump Shaking Hands with Putin While Holding Sack with Big Dollar Sign on It and Making "Ssshhh" Gesture with Finger Over His Lips; Paul Ryan Shrugs, Says President Is Simply New to Politics (Brandon)

—Trump Shows Up at Stadium Wearing Gift Football Jersey From White House Ceremony, Demands to Start for Patriots (Joe M.)

—White House on Lockdown After President Trump Insists He Saw "A Ghost or Something" (Jameson)

—Trump Bans Transgender Breathing (Matt)

—Trump Smacks Puerto Rico Governor with Governor's Own Hand, Tells Governor to "Quit Hitting [Governor's]self" (Joe M.)

—Meet the Five Emus Trump Has Nominated for Top-Secret Security Clearance (Jameson)

—He Won Again, You Fucking Morons (Joe W.)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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